Everybody's 1

Is everybody turning 1 or what? One year old birthday parties are cool. There's always good food and happy parents but have you ever noticed how hard it is to find a giant number one candle? They're always out. When the Conman turned one I figured hell Walmart must have a ton of these so I waited till the last minute to find a giant number 1 candle and they were out. And I thought damn that sucks, but hell it must be bad luck. Just a fluke. That's what I get for waiting. But since then I've checked Walmart like 16 times (I have a lot of secret kids) and there's never a 1. Damn. You know its only when the kid's 1 that you get this crazy urge to buy the giant number candle. 2,3,4,9 they all suck. It must be all those people turning 111 and they hog up all the giant number 1s.

So we went to Conman's good buddy Cade's birthday party and the Cade was turning one. I don't remember if he had a giant number 1 but his parents are a lot more competent than me and so they would probably have solved the giant number 1 shortage problem. Cade's parents are so smart in fact that this party was held in the East Bay instead of the city in order to avoid being fogged out. That my friends is intelligence, Cadester has good genes. Poor Conman has Homer Simpson for a dad so will probably have to learn to catch a ball so he won't have to depend on his brain for a living. "Son don't be like your Dad having to use your brain all day long to provide for your family. Learn to be an NFL long snapper damnit." Seriously the long snapper position is the best sports route because it is very important and involves a lot of skill and like no kid in the word is practicing for it. Every kid wants to be a quarterback or RB or WR but LS? Now don't go copying me and push all your kid's into longsnapping now because you don't have a chance. Ok ok I'm rambling. This party was kick ass because there was a LOT of good food. Hawaiian BBQ style. no schmallkind. The beauty and sheer brilliance of Hawaiian plate lunch is the incredible culinary breakthrough of going double carb. Hmmm I got a plate of meat and rice, what could make this better? How about...macaroni salad?! Astounding. Rice + Macaroni Salad = great freaking idea. And don't get me started on LocoMoco. Ok too late. Locomoco: rice + Hamburger Patty + gravy + Fried egg?! I mean the rice with hamburger patty with the gravy that is good enough. To take it to the next level (level 11) by adding lets say, a fried egg is too much. Its too good of an idea. It should be illegal. And what should we name this ingenious masterwork of food brilliance? Oh I know, how about Loco Moco. Now according to Loco Moco historians the Moco is there just cause it rhymes with Loco. But in spanish we all know what Mocos are and this coincidence just further adds to the astounding perfection of this great dish. I don't think there is ever a time I don't feel like having Loco Moco. Its always a good option. Hey what shall we eat? "Loco Moco" responds a tiny voice from my stomach. This is usually an impractical option so its always drowned out by Brown Rice and Tofu, or wheat germ smoothie surprise or chocolate chips from a bag. But it is always the tiny vote my independent stomach contributes to the conversation. Ok ok here's some pictures...
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Here's Conman hangin with the boy of honor. Conman gets a little jumpy when people come up to his ride. Even with the LoJack.


ConMan in the wild.








Hey check me out I'm racing through the grass! I'm having fun! I love the outdoors! Ilove to crawl! I love the sun! I love parties! I...

...hey what the hell are these little marks on my hands?! Is this permanent?! DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!



Yo son, what you crying about. Can't you see i'm rocking some dope-ass suede Puma's witda gold trim kid?
Here's the birthday boy!

So to prove the point that this was a kick ass party, there was actually a parachute. As you can see by my face, I wasn't too happy about not being allowed on it.

This is another of Conman's good buds NathMan. He's kind of a popular kid due to having a celebrity dad and all. Oh you don't recognize that guy back there? Hmmm here's a better photo...











...NathMan your daddy knows kung-fu. Ergo heretofore soon you will too...exactly. You know speaking of my good friend and NathNath's dad Keanu, ever since the Matrix came out, every movie that my good bud Keanu is in I can't help but thinking is just another sequel to the Matrix. I mean the whole time I'm thinkin oh thats just that Neo dude slumming it in the matrix. Like that movie Something's Got to Give with Jack Nicholson and Diane Keaton, I'm watching it because my wife made me and the whole time I'm thinking...whatever you do Jack, don't piss off that Neo dude because he will slow time and rip out your spleen and then fly away.