4D Ultrasound: HooHa's And DooDad's Now in Stunning HiDef

It all started a few months ago. OK well technically it started like 8 months ago. But a few months ago me and the Mrs were so excited to find out the sex of our new baby. So the wife goes to Kaiser and I go to work, big surprise. I come home to find my wife looking funny as I scream with excitement WHATISIT!!!!!! She goes…hmmm dunno.

WHAT?!

I ran downstairs turned on my turntable, started scratching, remembered what I was there for and bumped the table causing the needle to skip and then ran back upstairs and said….

(Needle Skipping Noise) WHAT?!!

They couldn't tell. Shucks. Inconclusive ultrasound. Now the first thing I think….despite all logic and common sense, is that we’ve been gipped. Never mind the fact that the ultrasound is part of a health check for the baby and not supposed to be a gender determining procedure. So now the question is how to hack Kaiser into giving us another ultrasound.

Hacking Kaiser

Now I could start a long tutorial on how to hack healthcare plans. And it truly is unfortunate that sometimes all patients do not receive the same quality of care. Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets all the grease. It’s all about triage. How to steer Kaiser into getting you to see the right guy at the right time. Thrive. Great marketing plan. Hmmm which market segment would be the most lucrative for a health care plan…how about people who are more than living…they’re THRIVING! Thrivers like to eat right and exercise. Preventative healthcare is wonderful, but I need a plan that has as it’s motto…SURVIVE. I don’t give a crap about my Doctor’s helping me thrive….that’s what my financial planner and sommelier is for. When I’m sick…I want to survive. Period. What does THRIVE do? I can hear the voiceover now…Here at Kaiser if you are seriously sick, sorry you’re doomed, but until that day comes wouldn’t you like to dance in the rain?

What was I talking about? Oh yes ultrasounds. Trying to work the system into getting another ultrasound in order to determine what color to repaint the nursery? That’s kinda stupid. We simply tried to ask our OB nicely if there was anything she could do. She couldn’t help. C'est la vie.

So…time to figure it out ourselves.

How to build a Home Ultrasound Machine Thingermabob:

Ingredients:
1 100 watt light bulb
100 ft aluminum foil
pinch of sage
1 traffic cone
1 Bengalese Soothsayer
1 box latex gloves

So we got hung up trying to find the Bengalese Soothsayer. The closest we got was a Nepalese lottery player.

There’s also this Chinese Gender predictor. It’s based on the date of conception. How in the holy name of god could anyone actually waste one second of their lives actually pondering if this could even remotely have any validity?

We went instead with the Latin American shape of belly guidelines. Obviously we were having a girl. Boy babies make bellies stick out to the front. Girl babies make bellies go wide. This was obviously based on scientific facts instead of that silly Chinese calendar thing.

Despite the fact that we knew it was a girl based on the Latin American belly shape guidelines, we got this funny flyer in the mail. 4D Ultrasound!!!!1!!1

Now has the 4th dimension been officially defined? I understand that in this case they are referring to time as the 4th dimension, but is that official? Did I not get that memo?

OK so it’s off to get a 4D ultrasound!!!!11!!!1!!!! First of all these things are like cheap as hell. I dunno hundred bucks maybe. You get like a DVD and everything. And you can bring the whole family because they have like an auditorium to watch the ultrasound on a flat screen TV. Fun for all.

Now obviously this business caters to first time parents. The whole point of the place is to get a nice computer generated image of your babies face to frame and put in your paint-still-drying new nursery along with the baby monitors and no knives and all the other silly crap we did as new parents. Once you get through the first one you learn something. New parents are retarded. You ever watch someone shoot heroin the first time? They make this really big deal out of it. Talk about drama.

What I’m trying to say is that it is important to proceed with caution when entering a new phase in life or doing something you have never done before. But in hindsight, sometimes you can get a little crazy with the fears and precautions. No, I take that back. You can’t go overboard with the precautions. That voice in the back of your head is there for a reason. But after having the first kid, the second kid is a lot less daunting. Plus the fact you just get over that whole “Look at our Baby” thing. I mean when the Conman was born my life shifted and I was like standing on a fruit-box making soliloquies about my life as a father…hell I even started a blog for Christ sake. Not to say the things I was saying are not as important to me now as they were then….it’s just that now I have integrated these things into my life. I understand them better.

You ever try telling a teenager that the Prom is kinda silly? You ever try telling a toddler that one day Thomas will not be the coolest thing on the planet. You ever try telling a new parent that they’re just a little too into it? It’s like the first day of High School. You pick out what you’re going to wear. You think a lot about your future. Everything is new and scary. By the second year you’re smoking 2 packs a day and couldn’t give a damn about where you went to school. Not that school’s not important…you’re just kinda used to it. Nononno you know what it’s really like? Have you ever fought in the Vietnam War? Like that first day you’re like…holy shit I might die. By the 213th day you’re like…yes, matter of fact I might die. So What? You’ve integrated the importance and danger of your predicament. That’s parenting.

So there we were, surrounded by first time parents in the waiting room. Parents who absolutely can not wait to see and frame their unborn baby’s face. Us? We’re just here for the crotch. We don’t even want the 4D stuff, just give us the normal ultrasound, we just want the gender confirmation. And make it quick. We got crap to do. We’re already parents. So I notice the waiting area has kid’s toys. Hmmm. Props! They must be Props! This place cannot see a lot of kids because that would mean a parent is coming to get their second or third child’s face scanned. I mean I understand why we are here…we have Kaiser that’s why we’re here. Hey wait a sec…didn’t Kaiser send us this 4D crap in the first place?! Hmmmmmm I smell a conspiracy theory or elegant business model, it’s one or the other.

So the kids toys are pretty beat up. Hmmm that means they’ve actually seen use or they were procured used. One or the other. So on the wall I notice a bunch of scanned baby faces. I remind myself to ask them not to put our baby’s crotch up there. I see the couple before us come out of their session absolutely beaming. It’s oh my god this and oh my god that and like smiles and tears and hand holding and hugging and asking for like 30 copies of the DVD to send to relatives and I’m like….Hey lady, don’t let the British in. And they’re like…Huh? And I’m like…newbies.

So we get into the exam room. Cool. There are leather couches and a flat screen TV and tons of cool imaging gear and this really nice 4DUltrasoundician lady to help us. Conman sees the TV and I can see his eyes go wide. 3…2…1…
CHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHHOOCHOOCHOOOCHHOOO!
No Constar…no Choo CHoo
CHOOCHOO!!!!!!!!
He doesn’t believe me. He plops down in front of the TV and waits for Thomas to appear. Meanwhile we’re telling our whole story about how we just want to determine gender and Kaiser and blahblah blah. The nurse agrees wholeheartedly that the prenatal visit with ultrasound is NOT to determine gender but rather to check the health of the baby. She tells us horror stories about parents who freak out and demand second ultrasounds and threaten lawsuits and all kinds of silly stuff. I guess it can cost up to $600 to have a nonscheduled ultrasound done with some HMOs out of pocket.

So we get started and boom I think I see something. Err I mean I think I don't see something. The Nurse confirms it’s a girl! We’re ecstatic. I start packing everything up when she hits the imaging button. Clickclickclickclickclick. There’s like cool sounds going on and then BOOM. 4D crotch on the screen. Hew wait a second, we didn’t need to go all 4D we were just kidding. We just wanted to know the gender.

Conman’s trying to figure out what part of the Island of Sodor he’s looking at. My wife is totally happy with the giant crotch on the screen. I’m like…above the waist! Above the Waist!

So eventually they do scan the face and check all the vitals and give us updated due dates and all kinds of good stuff. We’re given like a little portfolio with our DVD and some photos. I’m flipping through the photos and what do I see…3D Crotch again!!! Damnit! I don’t need this! Like what, we were going to frame this? Put it in her wedding slideshow?

So it’s a girl. I’ve always wanted a girl. With my son I feel like a Dad. With a girl I’ll be her Father. Does that make any sense to anyone? I hold and hug my kid and tell him I love him everyday. I can’t wait till he’s older and I can embarrass the hell out of him in front of his friends. I have no problem with being an embarrassing emotional outwardly affectionate loving Dad. But the thought of a daughter takes all those emotions and adds something different. I don’t know whether it’s based on my own gender role issues or whether it’s something deeper. The thought of a daughter brings tears to my eyes. I’m stunned and in awe. I hope all my kids grow up tough as nails, but my girl…even if she never grows up to out-drink me. I won’t be disappointed. She’ll always be my little girl.

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We are having a girl (really long story...coming soon). We would just like the entire world to know that we are seriously considering the following names. We just wanted to put it out there so there would be no uncomfortable situations in which one of our dear friends accidentally names their daughter the same name. So please avoid any of the following...

Aamy Aavaisha Ab Abbe Abbey Abbie Abby Abi Abigail Acacia Ada Addie Addison Addy Adela Adelaide Adele Adelene Adelina Adeline Adeq Adhilah Adi Adiba Adina Adjoa Adrena Adriana Adriane Adrianne Adrielle Adriena Adriene Adrienne Aduka Afra Agatha Agnes Ahna Ahrain Ai Aicha Aida Aidan Aileen Aileena Aili Ailish Ailsa Aily Aima Aimee Aimy Ainsley Ainslie Aisha Aisla Aisling Aislinn Aisya Ajeenah Ajmehar Akea Akyra Shae Alahna Alaina Alana Alanah Alanna Alannah Alba Alden Aldonna Aldyth Alea Aleasha Alecia Aleesha Aleia Aleis Aleisha Alena Alesha Alessandra Alethea Alex Alexa Alexandra Alexandria Alexis Ali Alia Aliah Alice Alicia Alicyn Aliesha Alieshia Alinta Alisa Alise Alisha Alisia Alison Alissa Alita Alix Aliyah Allana Allannah Allesha Allira Allirra Allis Allison Ally Allyson Alma Almarenda Alta Althea Alushia Alvina Alwynne Aly Alyce Alycia Alys Alyse Alysha Alyshia Alysia Alyson Alyss Alyssa Alysse Alyssia Alyx Amal Amalia Amalie Amanda Amara Amaris Amba Amber Ameena Amekah Amele Amelia Ami Amie Amiee Ami-Louise Amity Ammrita Amna Amstel Amy Ana Anai Anais Anastajia Anastasia Andera Andrea Andree Andressa Andria Andy Anezina Angel Angela Angelia Angelica Angelika Angelina Angeline Angelique Anggita Angharad Angie Anh Anikita Anisha Anita Anitra Anja Anjee Anjuli Ankie Ann Anna Annabel Annabelle Annah Annaka Annalee Annaleise Annaliese Annalise Annalysh Anne Anneika Anneke Anneliese Annelli Annelyse Annemarie Anne-Marie Annemijn Annette Annie Anniekate Annika Annzie Anthea Antoinette Antonella Anunaki Anuska Anya Anysia Aoiffe Aparna April Apryl Arabella Araluen Aretha Aria Ariana Ariane Ariel Ariell Arisa Arizona Arlene Arlette Arliss Artea Artemis Arwen Ash Asha Ashah Ashayla Asher Ashira Ashlea Ashlee Ashleigh Ashley Ashli Ashlin Ashlyn Ashton Ashtyn Asima Aspen Astrid Ataliah Atlantaa Atsuko Atta Aubyn Audra AudreyAuriol Aurora Ava Avana Avery Averyl Avis Avril Aya Ayesha Ayla Aynslee Ayuka Ayumi Azurah Babette Babs Baby Bacall Bailey Bambi Banca Baoyi Barbara Barbi Barbs Bardonhill Barinya Baylie Bea Bear Beatrice Beba Bec Becarra Becca Becci Beccy Beck Becki Becky Bee Bekky Bel Belinda Bella Belladonnah Belle Ben Hur Benedicte Benice Benita Berit Bern Bernadette Bernice Bernie Berniece Bernys Berta Berthany Beryl Beryle Bessie Beth Bethan Bethany Bets Betti Bettina Betty Bev Beverley Beverly Bianca Billi Billie Billie-Jayne Billindy Bin Bindi Birgitta Bitch Blanche Blasia Blaze Blossom Boadicea Boardy Bobbie Bobby Boda Bodelle Bodine Bona Boni Bonita Bonnie Boo Boopers Bow Bradley Brady Braeley Brandi Brandie Braydon Bre Brea Breana Breanna Breannan Breanne Brearne Bree Bree Maree Breeann Breeanne Brenda Brenna Brennan Brette Bri Bria Briana Brianna Brianne Bridget Bridgella Bridget Bridgette Bridgit Bridie Brie Brielle Brienna Brigette Brigid Brinda Brinley Brionhi Briony Brit Britt Britta Brittanee Brittani Brittany Brittnee Brittney Brodie Brogan Bron Bronagh Bronny Bronte Bronwen Bronwyn Bronza Brooce Brook Brooke Bry Brydi Brydie Brylee Brylie Bryony Bryony Bub Bud Buffy Bunny Burarrnnga Butterfly Cac Cadie Cady Cahlua Cahryn Cailan Cailin Caispern Caitlain Caitlan Caitlin Caitlyn Caitrin Caiyun Caley Cali Calie Calista Calla Callaghan Calli Callie Cambelle Cami Camilla Camille Camlin Cammie Candace Candice Candy Canny Caoimhe Cara Caren Carena Cari Carice Carin Carina Carissa Carla Carlee Carlene Carling Carly Carmel Carmella Carmen Carna Caro Carol Carole Carolin Carolina Caroline Carolyn Caromy Carrie Carrissa Carty Casey Casita Cass Cassandra Cassariah Casse Cassia Cassidy Cassie Castaspella Cat Cate Caterina Cath Catharine Catherine Cathi Cathie Cathrin Cathryn Cathryne Cathy Catie Catlin Catrin Catrina Catriona Catrynia Cayla Cayte Caz Cea-Cea Ceara Cecilia Ceili Celeste Celia Celina Celine Celini Celyn Cenedra Centaine Cerese Ceri Ceriddwyn Cerine Cerlyn Cesarina Chal Chamaine Chamaree Chana Chanel Chanelle Chani Chantal Chantel Chantell Chantelle Chanttelle Chardae Charis Charisma Charissa Charlee Charlene Charli Charlie Charlotte Charlynna Charmaine Charmayne Charmian Charo Chats Chaz Che-Ella Chelcey Cheley Chelle Chelsea Chelsee Chelsey Chemie Chenaye Chenoa Chentelle Cherae Cheraine Cheri Cherie Cherise Cherlyn Cherron Cherry Cheryl Cheryline Chesney Cheyenne Cheyne Chez Chezdonyx Chiara Chicky Chie Chieko China Chloe Chook Chouchy Chris Chrissi Chrissy Christa Christel Christi Christie Christina Christine Christy Chrystal Ciann Ciaya Cichle Cicile Cinder Cindi Cindy Cindy Jo Cinnamon Cion Cissy Clair Claire Clanci Clancy Clara Clare Clarette Clarice Claris Clarissa Claudene Claudia Claudine Clay Clea Clearis Clemency Cleo Cleon Clover Cobber Coby Coco Cody Cody Anne Colby Colette Colleen Collette Connie Connor Constance Cora Coral Coralea Coralee Coralie Coralyn Cori Corin Corina Corine Corinne Corrin Corrina Corrine Courteney Courtney Coyette Cozza Creagh Cream Creina Cris Crista Crystal Cuddles Curl Curstieanne Cyndee Cyndi Cynthia Daasha Daena Dahlia Daile Dailene Daina Daina Daire Daisy Daixing Dakota Dakota Dale Dali Dallas Damares Damjana Dana Danae Danea Danelle Danga Dani Danica Daniela Daniele Daniella Danielle Danika Danisha Danita Danni Dannielle Dannio Danny Danusha Danuta Danzie Daphne Darcie Darcy Darian Darius Darrya Darwin Davina Dawn Dayna Dayzy Daznmel Deaana Deaane Deanna Deanne Deannise Deb Debbi Debbie Debby Debi Debora Deborah Debra Dee Deidre Deirdre Delana Delanie Delena Delilah Della Delphi Delphina Delton Delys Delz Demi Demirah Denee Deneen Denika Denise Denisha Denita Deniz Denny Deonne Deryn Deserae Desi Desire Desiree Desleigh Desley Desnee Dessy Devina Dewi Dexter Di Diana Diane Dianne Dilla Dina Dineo Dino Dionne Dipana Diva Djakapurra Djala Dolly Dolores Domenique Dominique Donel Donella Donna Donnalyn Dora Doreen Dorie Dorienne Dorine Doris Dorita Dorna Dorothy Dorrie Dot Dottie Doune Drina Duck Dulcie Dyan Eadie Ebonee Eboney Ebony Eda Edah Eden Edie Edit Edith Edna Edwina Effie Egan Eideann Eileen Eilis Eilish Eiralee Elaine Elannah Eleanor Eleisha Elena Eleni Eleri Elfie Eli Elida Eliezer Elina Elinor Elionora Elisa Elisabeth Elisca Elise Elisha Elissa Eliza Elizabeth Elizah Eliza-Jane Elke Ella Ellana Elle Elleen Elle-Jean Ellen Ellena Ellendale Ellesha Elley Elli Ellice Ellie Ellie-May Ellinor Elliott Ellis Ellisa Ellyn Ellyse Ellysha Elma Elmi Elmo Eloise Elouise Elsa Else Elsi Elsie Elsie-May Elska Elspeth Eluisa Elva Elwyn Elyce Elycia Elyse Elysha Elysia Em Ema Emelia Emelie Emerald Emi Emilee Emilia Emilie Emilly Emily Emily-Jane Emina Emm Emma Emma-Lee Emme Emmie Emmy Emylyn Ena Enah Engielique Enza Eri Erica Erika Eril Erin Erina Erinlee Erinn Erlina Erna Erren Eryn Eslyn Esma Esta Estee Estella Estelle Esther Ethel Ethyl Eugenia Eugenie Eumay Eunice Ev Eva Evana Evangeline Evaone Eve Evelyn Eventhia Evi Evia Evie Evil-Lynn Evonne Evrill Ezzy Faatima Fabian Fabienne Fabiola Fabrice Fai Faith Falinda Fallon Fannie Fantina Farah Farann Farmer Farra Farrah Fat-Ass Faun Fay Faye Fazliana Felicia Felicity Felisha Felita Fenella Fennetta Fennilina Fi Fie Finn Finnessa Fion Fiona Fionna Fishy Fitz Flair Fleur Fliss Florence Flori Flynnie Fondy Fran Frances Francesca Francie Francina Francine Freda Frenchie Freya Freya Frieda Frosty Gabbi Gabby Gabi Gabrielle Gaby Gae Gai Gail Gaile Gaileen Gal Gaminy Gapirri Garlyn Gay Gaye Gayle Gaylene Gean Gemaine Gemalla Gemma Gemmah Gena Gene Genevieve Genevra Genia Genis Genna Gennie Geordee Georgeanne Georgette Georgey Georgia Georgie Georgina Georgio Geraldine Geri Germaine Gerri Gerry Gia Giacinta Gianna Gigi Gilda Gilli Gillian Gina Ginah Ginny Giorgette Giorgia Giovanna Gizela Glad Gladise Gladys Glenda Glenyce Glenys Gloria Glory Glynis Goaa Goddess Goldie Gosia Grace Grace-Lee Gracen Gracie Grayceson Graziella Greer Greta Groovy Gwen Gwenda Gwendolyne Gwenyth Gwynn Gwynne Gypsy Haidee Hailey Haili Hakana Haley Halley Hana Hanlie Hanna Hannah Hanne Hanni Hannie Hannif Hanum Happy Hari Harley Harmony Harriet Harrison Harveen Hasna Haydee Haylee Hayleigh Hayley Haze Hazel Heather Heidi Heike Helen Helena Helene Helga Henrietta Henriette Herlin Hero Herta Hesheena Heyley Hien Hilary Hilda Hiltrud Hiroko Holli Hollie Holly Honey Hong Hope Hua Iadi Ianessa Ida Iesha Ignacius Ignatia Iley Ilil Ilonka Ima Imelda Immogen Imogen Ina Inda Indah Indi India Indianna Indra Indri Inge Ingrid Inky Intan Iona Ira Ireland Irene Irin Iris Irma Isabeau Isabel Isabella Isabelle Isla Isobel Ita Italia Ive Ivetta Ivette Ivy Iysha Izabella Ja Jaala Jac Jacalyn Jacey Jacinda Jacinta Jacintha Jackie Jaclyn Jacqelyne Jacquelene Jacqueline Jacquelynn Jacqui Jacylin Jada Jade Jadeine Jadzia Jaeden Jag Jagaia Jai Jaili Jaime Jaimee Jaimie Jamie Jamie-lee Jami-lee Jamilla Jamuna Jan Jana Janat Janaya Jandon Jane Janeace Janeece Janella Janelle Janet Janette Jani Janica Janice Janie Janine Janis Jannah Janniece Jantaar January Janys Jaqeline Jaqui Jared Jarni Jarrah Jarrhyn Jaryn Jaslin Jaslyn Jasmin Jasmina Jasmine Jasmyn Jasmyne Jaya Jayce Jaycee Jayde Jaye Jaylea Jaylene Jaymee Jaymi Jayne Jaysan Jazmin Jazmine Jazmyn Jazz Jazzy Jean Jeanette Jeanie Jeanine Jeanne Jeannette Jeannie Jeannine Jeidn Jellene Jem Jemah Jemima Jemma Jen Jenai Jena-Lee Jenaya Jenelle Jenevieve Jeni Jenice Jenifer Jenine Jenna Jennah Jennene Jenni Jennie Jennifer Jennine Jennon Jenny Jenon Jeri Jermaine Jerneen Jerrie Jeska Jeslyn Jess Jesse Jesseca Jessi Jessica Jessie Jessika Jessira Jesslyn Jesus Jett Jewel Jiali Jill Jillian Jilliana Jilly Jin Jiwon Jo Joan Joana Joann Joanna Joanne Jo-anne Jocelyn Jodi Jodie Jody Joe Joey Jofelyn Johanna Joi Joie Joiy Jojo Jolanda Jolanta Joleen Jolene Jonay Jonella Joni Jonine Jools Jordan Jordann Jordanne Jordi Jordon Jordy Jordyn Jorgia Jorja Jorjie Josalyne Josephine Josette Josey Josiah Josie Jouanna Jowell Joy Joyce Joycelyn Joydee Joyleen Jualita Juanita Jude Judee Judene Judi Judii Judith Judy Jules Juleset Julia Juliana Julianna Julianne Julie Julieann Julie-Anne Juliet Juliette Jullie Jun June Junelle Junita Juno Jurcanne Justina Justine Juz Jye Jypsie Kaaja Kacey Kady Kaela Kaelee Kaffa Kahla Kahli Kahlia Kahtia Kai Kaia Kaicey Kail Kaila Kailey Kaitlin Kaitlyn Kaiulani Kajira Kala Kalea Kali Kalinda Kalotina Kalyna Kama Kamariah Kamea Kamini Kanako Kandice Kandis Kanisha Kanita Kara Karalyn Kareena Karen Karin Karina Karine Karinma Karis Karissa Karla Karlea Karlee Karli Karlie Karly Karlyn Karoline Karra Karrah Karri Karrie Karrinn Karyn Kasey Kasha Kashya Kasi Kasselle Kassia Kassie Kat Kate Katea Katecia Katelin Katelyn Katerina Katey Kath Katharine Katherine Kathie Kathleen Kathra Kathren Kathrin Kathrina Kathrine Kathryn Kathy Katia Katiana Katie Katilyn Kato Katrice Katrina Katy Katya Katyann Katzeye Kauli Kay Kayah Kayarna Kaycee Kayden Kaye Kayjay Kayla Kaylah Kaylea Kaylee Kayleen Kayleigh Kaylene Kayli Kaylin Kayo Kaysie Kayti Kaz Kazumi Kea Keagan Keala Keana Keanah Keara Keara Keeley Keelie Keelin Keely Keenan Keila Keira Keirah Keirra Keisha Kelby Kelcie Keleena Kelin Kelisha Kelley Kelli Kellie Kellsey Kelly Kelly-Ann Kellyann Kelsee Kelsey Kelsi Kelsie Kelstar Kendal Kendehl Kendra Kendra Kenji Kenzie Keran Keren Kerewyn Kerith Kerri Kerrie Kerrilee Kerri-Lin Kerrin Kerry Kerryn Kerstin Keryn Keshi Keshia Kesleigh Kez Kezia Khalil Khama Khelsie Khrista Kia Kiace Kiah Kiana Kiandra Kiara Kiarna Kid Kiera Kiet Kiki Kiley Kim Kimberley Kimberly Kiona Kira Kirah Kiran Kirbie Kirby Kiri Kirralee Kirraley Kirrianna Kirrie Kirrilie Kirrily Kirst Kirsten Kirstie Kirstin Kirsty Kirstyn Kirstyne Kish Kita Kitta Kitten Kitty Kiyah Kiz Kjersti Klara Klaryce Kleanthi Klerissa Koa Kobi Kobie Kodi Kody Koji Koorine Korinda Kortney Kosana Kourtney Kris Krisi Krissy Krista Kristal Kristel Kristen Kristene Kristi Kristie Kristin Kristina Kristine Kristy Kristy-Lee Krystal Krysten Krystin Krystina Krystle Kumi Kuri Kyah Kyan Kyanne Kyarla Kyla Kyle Kylee Kyleigh Kylie Kym Kymberley Kyra Kyra-Jo Kyralee Kytarna Lacey Lachel Lainey Lal Lale Lameko Lana Lanalia Lane Lani Lanli Laquoiya Lara Larah Laraine Laree Larisa Larissa Larnee Larni Larrah Latara Latisha Latishya Laudy Laura Laura-Ann Laureen Laurel Laurelle Lauren Laurene Lauretta Lauri Laurice Laurie Laurie-Ann Lauryn Lawa Layla Layne Lea Leah Leah Leana Leanda Leanna Leanne Lee Lee Cho Leeanne Leela Lee-Marie Leesa Leeza Leia Leigh Leigha Leighanna Leighanne Leila Leilani Leisa Leisha Leith Leiticia Leitu Lena Lenor Lenore Leona Leone Leonie Leonora Lesina Lesley Lesley-Ann Leslie Leticia Letitia Letiticia Lexi Lexia Lexie Lexine Lexy Leyla Lia Lian Liana Liani Lianna Libbi Libby Libi Lidia Lien Lierre Liesel Ligia Lil Lila Lili Lilia Lilian Liling Lilith Lillee Lilli Lillian Lillianna Lillie Lilly Lily Lilz Lin Lina Linda Lindall Lindsay Lindsey Lindy Lindz Linet Lini Linley Linnea Linsey Linzy Liping Lira Lis Lisa Lisa-Mae Lise Liselotte Lisie Liss Lissa Litonya Livie Livvie Livvy Livy Liyana Liz Liza Lizzie Lizzy Llani Llianne Lluwannee Lochani Lodema Lois Lola Lolita Lolly Loni Loo Lora Loraine Loredana Loree Loreen Lorelli Loren Lorena Loret Loretta Lori Lorin Lorna Lorraine Lorretta Lorrie Loryn Lottie Lou Loucifa Louisa Louise Lovina Lozz Luana Luci Lucia Lucie Lucille Lucinda Lucy Lucynka Luisa Lulu Luna Lya Lydene Lydia Lylia Lyma Lyn Lynda Lyndal Lyndell Lyndelle Lyndon Lyndsay Lyndsey Lynell Lynette Lynley Lynn Lynne Lyric Lyris Lysanne Lyvia Maarit Mabel Mac Macey Mackenzee Mackenzie Madalyn Maddalena Maddi Maddie Maddisen Maddison Maddisson Maddy Maddyson Madelaine Madeleine Madelin Madeline Madellene Madelyn Madison Madisun Madysen Madz Mae Magan Magenta Maggi Maggie Mahaila Mahala Mahaylia Mai Maia Maiko Maimouna Mairead Mairi Maitlyn Maizie Majella Makalya Makayla Makenna Makere Maki Makiko Mako Malaika Malia Malika Malinda Mallory Malveen Mamie Mandi Mandie Mandy Maneisha Manish Manuela Mara Marcella Marcia Marco Mardi Mardie Mardy Maree Marelle Maren Maresa Margaret Margherita Margiaux Margie Margo Margot Margreet Marguerite Mari Maria Mariah Marian Marianne Marie Marieanne Marieetta Marieke Marielle Marielouise Marienne Mariet Marija Marika Marilyn Marima Marina Marion Marisa Marise Marissa Marita Mariya Marj Marjorie Marjory Marlee Marlene Marni Marnie Marricka Marrie Mars Marsene Marsha Marta Martha Martina Marvena Marvielyn Mary Mary-Ann Mary-Claire Mary-Ellen Marya Maryam Maryann Maryanne Mary-Anne Mary-Beth Mary-Claire Maryjo Marylou Marysa Maryse Masayo Matilda Maureen Mauriona Maus Mavis Mawar Maxeen Maxine May Maya Maygan Mayleaka Maz Mckenna Mea Meagan Meaghan Medy Meegan Meehak Meg Megan Megann Meghan Mei Meike Meilian Meisha Mel Melanie Melina Melinda Melisa Melissa Melita Melitta Mellanie Mellie Mellisa Mellissa Mello Melody Melonie Melva Mena Mendy Meraneah Mercedes Meredith Merideth Merike Merilyn Merina Merla Merlin Merralyn Merran Merry Merryn Meryl Mez Mharianne Mia Mia Anne Micaela Michaela Michaeli Michal Michaley Micheala Michele Micheline Michell Michelle Micki Midge Mie Mien Mietta Mika Mikaela Mikaila Mikala Mikarla Mikayla Mikeala Mikelia Mikka Mikki Milaine Milinda Milissa Milkay Mill Milli Millie Milly Mim Mimi Mimma Mina Mindy Minna Minnie Mira Miranda Miree Mirella Miri Miriam Miruna Misaki Mishae Mishel Mishka Miss Missa Missi-Bella Missy Misty M’keely Mo Moe Moira Mollie Molly Mona Monah Mondo Moneeta Monica Monika Monique Monita Montana Montanna Mony Monzee Moon Morgan Morge Morice Moth Mouse Moya Moyra Muffy Mug Mum Muriel Murren Mya Mycle Myfanwy Mykala Mylie Myrna Na Naarah Nadia Nadiah Nadine Nadira Nadya Nae Naho Nahoko Nahomi Naiomi Naiyana Nakita Nana Nancy Nangala Nani Nanny Nao Naoko Naomi Nara Narah Narelle Naressa Narie Nastia Nat Natacha Natali Natalia Natalie Nataly Natalya Natasha Nath Nathalie Nathania Naticia Natisha Nebraska Neda Neece Neesha Neige Nella Nellie Nelly Nenet Neri Nerice Nerida Nerissa Ness Nessa Nessie Nessy Netta Nettie Neusa Neza Ngaire Nia Niamh Nic Nica Nicci Nichola Nichole Nick Nicki Nicky Nico Nicol Nicola Nicole Nicolette Nicqui Nida Nik Niki Nikita Nikki Nikola Nin Nina Ning Nini Ninni Nisha Nishel Nita Nitika Nitschke Noela Noelani Noelle Noemi Nola Nomiki Noni Nonie Noon Nor Nora Norah Nordin Norlaily Norma Norrie Noui Novi Nuala Nuraizan Nurra Nyah Nyomi Nyree Nyria Nyssa Oceania Oda Odijay Olesia Olga Olimpia Olive Olivia Oma Orella Orin Ottilie Pahnia Paige Paigen Pam Pamela Panda Para Paraskevi Paris Parnell Parris Paschal Pasqalina Pat Patience Patrese Patrice Patricia Patsy Patti Patty Paula Paulette Paulina Pauline Payge Payton Pearl Pearlin Pearlynn Peg Peggie Peggy Peifen Peita Penelope Penne Penny Pens Peo Peri Perlyn Perri Pet Peta Petal Petene Petra Phemie Philippa Phoebe Photi Phyllis Pia Pinky Pip Piper Pippa Pixie Podgey Pola Polly Pomm Pookie Poppy Portia Poupee Princess Pris Prisca Priscilla Priya Priyanka Pru Prudence Prudie Prue Purdey Puvi Qamariah Qiana Qing Queenie Querida Quincy Quinton Quiong-Yan Rach Rachael Rachel Rachelle Rae Raechel Raelee Raelene Raharna Raihana Raina Raine Raissa Rani Rany Raquel Rasa Rashi Ravi Ray Raye Raylee Rayleigh Raylene Raywin Reaganne Reanne Rearne Rebbecca Rebecca Rebeka Rebekah Rebekka Rebekkah Rebel Ree Reeta Regan Regent Regina Reilley Rekesia Relton Remeliah Remi Remy Renae Renaey Renai Renata Renate Rendy Rene Renea Renee Renika Renny Renu Renza Reuben Revils Reza Rhagan Rhea Rhia Rhian Rhiana Rhianna Rhianne Rhiannon Rhianon Rhianwen Rhiley Rhomany Rhona Rhonda Rhondda Rhondi Ria Riana Rianna Richelle Rickie Ricky Rie Rihana Riitta Rika Rikke Rikki Riley Rina Rini Rino Rissa Rita River Roberta Robin Robina Robyn Robyne Robynne Rochelle Rocky Rohanna Rohannen Roisin Rokaya Roma Romina Romney Romy Rona Ronalda Ronda Roni Ronni Ronnie Ros Rosa Rosalie Rosaline Rosalyn Rosalynn Rosanna Rosanne Rose Rosemary Rosemay Rosey Rosie Rosina Rosita Roslyn Rossi Rosslyn Rothanna Rowena Rowina Roxane Roxanne Roxie Roxy Roz Rozeena Rozie Rubina Ruby Rumi Runi Ruth Ryleigh Rynelle Saba Sabina Sabine Sabrina Sacha Sachi Sadella Sae Sahri Saige Saima Sal Salene Salha Sallie Sally Sally-anne Salsyra Sam Samantha Samara Samedi Sami Sammi Sammie-Jo Sammooi Sammy Sana Sandi Sandra Sandy Santina Santosh Saori Sapote Sara Sara June Sara-Ann Sarah Sarah-Jane Sara-Leah Sarina Sarita Sarlina Sarojanie Sarrah Sas Sascha Sasha Satan Satimah Sauce Savanna Savannah Savanne Sawittree Saya Sayuri Scarlett Seamon Sebby Sela Selena Selina Semah Seona Seonaid Sera Serena Serene Seri Seri Park Serlindria Sevasti Sexy Sezzy Sha Shae Shaeni Shahira Shailey Shakayla Shakira Shaley Shalom Shan Shana Shanan Shandelle Shandy Shani Shania Shanice Shanika Shanna Shannagh Shanneen Shannen Shannon Shannyn Shanta Shantelle Shanyn Shar Sharaan Sharalyn Shardia Sharee Sharhra Shari Shariah Sharmaine Sharna Sharnah Sharna-Lee Sharnay Sharne Sharnee Sharnelle Sharney Sharni Sharnie Sharon Sharyn Shauna Shauney Shaunte Shauwanna Shavourne Shawna Shawnee Shay Shaya Shayana Shayde Shaye Shayenne Shaylee Shaylene Shay-Marie Shayni Shaynise Shaz Shazwina Shazz Shazza Shea Sheena Sheerie Shei Sheila Shelby Shelia Shell Shelley Shelly Shendy Sherae Sheralee Sheralyn Sheree Shereen Sherene Sheri Sheridan Sherilyn Sherin Sherolea Sherri Sherrie Sherrin Sherrine Sherry Sheryl Shev Shevaun Shez Shidah Shifa Shila Shilo Shing Shinta Shiraz Shirin Shirleah Shirlene Shirley Shkara Shona Shona Lee Shorty Shui Shura Sia Sian Sianee Sian-Lee Sidne Sidra Sienna Sieny Sierra Sierrea Sigourney Silken Silvana Silverdale Silviya Simi Simona Simone Simonetta Simran Sina Sindy Sinead Siobhan Siouxsie Sisi Sissy Skye Skylah Smokey Sofia Sofie Sofroniaa Somenah Somer Sona Sondra Sonia Sonja Sony Sonya Soph Sophi Sophia Sophie Sorcha Sparkie Speed Spot Squid Stacey Staci Stacie Stacy Staisha Steelie Stef Stefanie Steff Steffi Steffie Stella Steph Stephanie Stephannie Stephi Stephie Stephine Stevenie Stevie Sue Suellen Suez Suki Sulin Su-Lyn Sum Sumiko Summah Summer Sun Sunisa Sunita Sunny Suriya Susan Susana Susannah Susanne Susie Sute Suzan Suzanna Suzanne Suzette Suzie Suzy Svenja Sweelee Sybille Sydney Sylvaris Sylvia Sylvian Sylvie Symphony Synda Synden Syxx Tabatha Tabetha Tabitha Tace Tach Taehee Taeya Tahana Tahlee Tahlia Tahly Tahnee Taidgh Taiya Takia Takie Talea Taleah Taleesha Talei Taleisha Talesha Tali Talia Taliah Talisa Taliska Talitha Tallarra Tamara Tamazin Tameka Tami Tamica Tamika Tamlyn Tammara Tammee Tammelaine Tammie Tammy Tammy-Lee Tamorah Tamryn Tamsin Tamzen Tamzin Tamzyn Tan Tana Tanacia Tane Taneal Taneesha Tania Tanie Tanika Tanisha Tanja Tanko Tannille Tanti Tanya Tanzin Taome Tara Tarah Tara-Lee Tareena Taren Tarja Tarma Tarnee Tarni Tarryn Tarsha Taryn Tarzie Tascha Tash Tasha Tasma Tatanya Tatham Tatiana Taya Tayah Taygen Tayha Tayla Taylah Taylaine Taylor Taysharna Tcinta Teagan Teags Teana Tearna Teegan Teeghan Teela Teena Tega Tegan Tehgan Tehya Teika Teina Teisha Telina Telisha Temeka Temika Tempany Tenacia Tenae Tenaya Teneal Teneale Tenieka Teniele Teniell Tenielle Tenille Tennille Teresa Terese Tereza Teri Terie Terrah Terri Terri-Anne Terry Terttu Tess Tessa Tessara Tessca Tetia Teya Thaleisha Thanh-Thanh Thao Thea Theary Thekla Thelma Thena Thenelina Theolinde Theresa Therese Theresia Thilia Thomasina Tia Tiairra Tiana Tiani Tianna Tianne Tianni Tiara Tiarhn Tiarn Tiarna Tidja Tiff Tiffanie Tiffany Tika Tilly Timotei Tin Tina Tineke Tirzah Tobi Tokie Tomi Tomoko Tomomi Toni Tonia Tonya Tori Tori Ann Toria Tory Tracey Tracie Tracy Trance Treen Treesha Treowe Treveina Treyna Tria Trialee Trian Tricia Trina Trinette Triscy Trish Trisha Trista Trixie Trudy Tuere Tuesday Tukky Tunai Tuyet Twilight Ty Tyanne Tyla Tyleena Tyler Tyneal Tynny Tyrelle Tyson Uarah Udella Una Vadivu Val Vale Valencia Valentina Valerie Valeska Valma Vanda Vanessa Varuni Vasantha Vasanti Vean Veejay Vel Velda Vendela Venus Vera Verena Verinia Verity Verna Veron Veronica Vesna Vi Vicki Vickie Vicky Victoria Vidhya Vienna Vija Vikki Vilma Vina Virginia Vivian Vivien Vivienne Vix Vonne Vonnie Vulcan Vuwani Vy Wade Wanin Weed Wei Wendee Wendy Wenni Wesley Whitney Whyetta Wilara Willy Wilma Win Winis Winnie Winny Winsome Wisam Xanna Xanthe Xantre Xenia Xiangru Xiaoling Yacchi Yael Yana Yani Yanni Yanti Yasmin Yasmine Yati Yaya Ye Sul Yenny Yeshua Yiada Yolanda Yolonde Yoni Ypie Yuka Yuki Yulan Yumi Yupi Yuri Yvette Yvonne Zabrina Zahhira Zai Zainab Zakaria Zali Zandalee Zanina Zanna Zanthi Zara Zarah Zarina Zed Zel Zelda Zen Zena Zenna Zeone Zerah Zeti Zeya Zia Zieta Ziggy Zihra Zinny Zizza Zoe Zoey Zofia Zoie Zola Zoney Zuha Zuleika Zuraina


Thanks for understanding how special these names are for us.

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Scenes From a Marriage: Bloglight

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Can My Eyes Stop Bleeding Now?

Man oh man I hated the colors on this blog for a really long time. It's strange this blogging thing. This place started, like most parenting blogs, as a place to share photos and news with a few family and friends. Now believe it or not, it generates enough money in ad revenue alone to provide for my entire family, hundreds and thousands of calories through at least one box of cookies per year. Last year's ad revenue alone allowed me to pick any box of cookies whatsoever in the cookie section of Safeway, hell I didn't even look at the price. Living large my friends...living large.

In all seriousness, it's really awesome having people care enough to take time in their day to stop by here for a giggle or two. The evolution of these things is really interesting because at some strange point you stop and think...holy crap you mean people are actually reading this? Like people I don't know? And then horror of all horrors one day a stranger approaches you and says...Henri? And that's when I say how the F-ing hell stupid am I to use my real F-ing name.

My name is Henri Reginald Wallace Jones the III. I live in Berkeley. I am a Vetinary NeuroOphthalmological surgeon and I have this chronic condition in which I cannot stop being a smart-ass and liar.

OK ok...seriously. If I had thought this through I would have come up with some dope-ass handle. Maybe it's not too late to go underground. Here's some ideas I been kicking around.

MetroDadd
Stranger in a Dad Land
PoopaLarge
Deuce

Damn I know...too original. What was I here to talk about? Oh yeah...

The blog is whitish now.

ThankYouComeAgain.

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Valentine

Here's to my girl. My one and only.

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Miss U Musu

Hey our cat might die. Just like that. Fast. I remember being a kid watching Bladerunner and listening to Rutger Hauer say those words that would influence all of my crazy angst ridden teenage years..."the candle that burns twice as bright, burns for only half as long". I thought freakin-A yes! I want to burn half-ass long err half as long. The whole live fast die young and leave a good looking corpse thing is really powerful to an impressionable youngster. Oddly enough all my pets growing up must have also had that in mind because like the drummer from Spinal Tap, they all met with strangely mysterious ends.

Pet#/Name/Untimely end/Years Lived
1. Puma the Cat, Eaten by neighbors dog, 1 year
2. Gizmo the Cat, Vanished, 1 year
3. Cujo the Cocker Spaniel, reportedly followed a jogger and never came back, 1 year
4. Cup the cat, motorcycle accident, 1 yearish
5. Di the Dog, heroin overdose, 2 years
6. Butkis the cat, cat leukemia, 3 years
7. Cammy the Dog, using cell phone at gas station, 3 years.

Ok ok I made a few of those up. So coming back from vacation one thing that really sucked was that our cat got an infection while we were gone. She stopped eating and drinking and by the time we took her to the vet she had full-on kidney failure. They kept her overnight on an IV and she's on antibiotics. We have been giving her subcutaneous saline BID and antibiotic injections and force feeding her a few days now. Kidneys are miraculously better. Vet bill is ridiculously high, I'm changing her name to Flatscreen.

So we love our little Flatscreen (born Musuo Musu Musubi) and if she doesn't make it at least the kid's too young to be really hurt. It's funny though, up until now the Conman never really paid too much attention to the cat. He played with the robot vacuum more than the cat. When she was overnight at the vet though he kept asking for Kitty.

So here's some highlights from the rockstar life of our rockstar cat...the infamous people hating wildcat whose name literally means in mixed Korean and Japanese: Scary Turnip Riceball.

Pick a Cat any Cat: So when me and the better half first started dating she decided she wanted a cat. I'm like cool I like cats and I'll show her how cool I am by going with her and picking one out at the pound. Then later when she dumps me she can look at that cute cat and think hey I miss Henri and come crawling back or let me come crawling back or something. So we wanted a boy cat and we got to play with these two brother cats in the play room at the pound. One of the cats was totally mellow. Just kind of kicking it checking us out, wassup rockers I am a little kitten and I am cool and too busy to entertain you so I will walk around slowly and smell this thing here and then lay down and be one with the universe. This cat I liked. This was a cat after my own heart. Laid back, tranquilo, very cool. Now the brother, this other cat in the room was different. Keep in mind they were little kittens only a few weeks old. Well there was this birdcage in the playroom with a bird in it. This cage was on legs and about four feet high. So this other kitten is racing all around the room like a freaking madman. He looks up and sees the birdcage and from the other end of the room takes this racing start and leaps into the air and crashes into the side of the cage...and hangs on. This little kitten leaped like four feet and is clinging to the side of this birdcage. Hello little bird, although I am a small kitten I just wanted you to know that I am here and soon, very soon, I will figure out how to get through these bars and you will be mine. My current wife who was at the time this funny chick I had just started dating, turns to me and says..."Oh my god its totally obvious which cat we're getting." I'm like...yeah obviously. And then she points to the wrong cat. She want the crazy insane kitten clutching desperately to the side of the birdcage trying to continue its conversation with the bird. I'm like..uh WTF I want the tranquilo laid back stoner cat...the OTHER one. Not the insane one. Oh well...technically it was her cat we were picking out so cool whatever. Oh and right after we selected which cat we wanted the people at the pound said...oh yeah by the way that's a girl cat not a boy. Damn we got swindled.

I Hate People: So for the first few years our cat was normal. Got along well with others and although a little hyper, was overall sweet. Then somewhere along the way she got this strange idea in her head that people sucked and only me and my wife were cool enough to not get bitten or maimed. It had something to do with these parties we threw in Grad school that might have gotten a little out of hand...ok maybe a lottle out of hand. Hehe lottle. That’s a cool word. I just made that up. Anyways so I guess one too many people tried to mess with our cat and she just wrote off humans as teh suxxor. From that moment on we had to warn people to not try and pet her, and yes some people ignored us and yes some people got bit.

Cool Tricks: Our cat knows how to play fetch with a rubber ball and she also uses a human toilet. Cool.

Hello Baby: We were kind of worried the cat would freak out with the new baby, but when the Conman was born she actually just ignored him. She's now cool with him and has allowed him into her circle of trust.

So our poor little wildcat is now just a bag o bones. Super skinny and getting kind of stinky. We're hoping she turns the corner and starts down that road to recovery. We're just waiting for her to start eating again. That would be an encouraging sign. She's made it pretty far though for a pet of mine. Pushing 8 years now without a single freak pet accident or tragedy until getting her infection and suffering kidney failure. Not too bad. Here's to you Musu, you're one bad-ass cat.

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CN'R: Hawaii 510 Edition

We did it. We finally did it. The CnR family actually went on vacation. I am a workaholic...after my little clinic got acquired by a gigantic corporation I have this fascinating lifestyle in which instead of money I get paid in these strange items called benefits and vacation days. As an immigrant child of immigrant parents and a super workaholic father the first thing I thought when I looked at my benefits was man o man this corporation is absolutely insane. As a slave-driving ruthless cheap-ass dictator of an employer I would never have given myself time off. But now I bask in poverty sprinkled with these delectable little items called vacation days. Oh wait...here's an important announcement:

Dear Internet,

Thank you for visiting us here at my tiny corner of mental diarrhea. Hmm that sounds not so good. Let's try again...Thank you, all of you (yes all nine of you) who take the time to stop by here every now and then to visit our wacky little parenting world. We want you to be the first to know that Senior Corndog and Mrs. Rootbeer have just found out that we are 7 months pregnant. Holy crap! It really is amazing that me and the Mrs. have the strange ability to manufacture tiny human beings. I mean have you ever really sat down and thought about it? Two people can make a third person. And it's free. Sorry that's the cheap-ass part of me fascinated by the fact that it's free. Sure sure we upgrade with add-ons like Prenatal care and hospital delivery and food and clothing and shelter for the new baby and all that stuff...but it's really cool that the actually production of this human being is pretty much free. So now I get to start campaigning for all the supercool names that I want that I know my wife will reject:

Lareynadelosangeles
Heroin
Aoife
Liv
Lux
Fiera
Matilda
Sniper
Bangladesh
Fudge
Lafemmenikita
Brodie-Armstrong
Brooklyn

Oh so back to the story...

So my wife is like 7 months preggers and she has been hounding me about taking a vacation. My usual response is oh just close your eyes and remember our honeymoon in Ireland or as I call it...HOME, it's like your really there! To which she usually makes this funny face while mouthing horrible insults. I usually close my eyes by then and smile while telling her "Look we're in Ireland! Oh look I see the green hills! I see the sheep! I'm drinking Guinness and Bulmers! Hey wait someone just punched me!" Its ok she hits like a pregnant girl.

So we decide to do it and she picks Hawaii. I say screw that we're gonna go hang in Manhattan with MetroDad and I'm gonna build his kitchen and drink a lot. She hits me again. So Hawaii it is! I do the plane math with the Constar and think...crap 5.5 hours on a plane. That would be the longest flight he's taken. In light of recent traveling infants in the news I begin to think...hmmm there's beaches in California right? But my wife deserves a vacation...she is married to me after all which is not a walk in the park.

So here we go...

Day 1:
Get to airport. We randomly bump into globetrotting styling mofo and almost neighbor Peachboy who's catching a business trip to Kansas. Peachboy is one stylin dude who has been known to hang with Jimmy Choo. I keep meaning to ask him to start buying two of everything he buys from now on because I want to be cool like him. He buys us lunch. Little did we know how important that lunch would be because our cheap ass airline ATA does not offer food. Ok fine, that's ok with me. But wait...no peanuts either. Damn that's cheap. To this very day I still can't believe they couldn't give us a peanut. Oh well.

Didn't have time to make Constar a custom t-shirt for the plane like I had planned. Here were the slogans (um totally 100% hella copyrighted by me damnit):

AirTrans: Kids Fly Free

Earplugs $100

I'm Going to Hawaii Bitch

Yes I'm On Your Flight

Preboarding Owns You

Yes I'm In First Class, Now You Cry

Doody Free

We were a little daunted at the prospect of flying so long with the kid so we actually bought him his own ticket. I tried to figure out how the hell I was going to lug his car seat around until I figured out that I could actually strap it to his stroller. This was freakin awesome. Added bonus was the fact that he looked like he was rolling around in used fighter jet ejection seat.

So the flight wasn't too bad...if you've never brought your carseat on a plane...man o man it makes a world of difference. The kid kinda knows he's SOL when he's sitting in it so he kinda resigns himself to the fact that he can't really do much. He was pretty cool the entire flight there and back. Amazing.

I kept wondering how I would feel being on vacation and having a whole week off. Nothing could prepare me for how I felt when I stepped out of the airport into the fragrant warm air of Honolulu. I felt the grime of 5 years of working 6 days a week being softly lifted from me by little Hawaiian pixies. I have to stop working. I have to stop working. I have to stop working so damn much.

So the week consisted mainly of visiting family and friends and lounging at the beach. No real plans, no itinerary, just us and the sun and the ocean and the fish. Perfecto.

A few highlights:

Trying to emulate Japanese Tourist Fashion while strolling down Waikiki. The wife got it pretty close with her white and orange Puma's paired with high socks and striped maternity polo.

Trying to construct a business theorem that explains how ABC stores are impervious to same store cannibalization. Coach is in the same boat because on a three block stretch we saw four of them. I mean wtf do you really need four Coach stores on 3 blocks? "I'm so glad this Coach store opened. Before that I used to have to trek across the freakin street. That's like at least 15 steps."

Giovanni's White Shrimp Truck. We drove through two hours of awful island traffic (worse than LA traffic) to get to this place which was on the opposite side of Oahu. Worth every minute. The garlic shrimp are really really freaking good. Served from a beat up old truck with writing scribbled all over it. There are three shrimp trucks in the area...go to the right one.

Leonards Bakery. Ahhh the Malasada. Portuguese fried doughball of deliciousness. Get em plain with sugar or custard filled. Man those are good.

Matsumoto's Shave Ice. Of course. No brainer. Ice Cream + Shave Ice + Condensed milk on top? Are you kidding me? How can you not go here?

Eating lunch with retirees at a crazy cheap buffet named Smorgy's. We tried to come up with marketing quotes after eating here. We came up with "It's Fast!" "It's nice to sit after walking all day!" "I'm Full Now!" Besides how could you not eat at a place called Smorgy's no matter how god awful it is?

Conman LOVES Hawaiian chicks.

And the absolute most important thing that I learned, am learning and continually strive to learn...I need to stop working so much. A day of my life is worth more than a day's pay. I'll say it again...

A day of my life is worth so much more than a day's pay. I will eventually accept this. Here's something to help me remember:

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