I'm Big Boned Damnit

Man I’ve never been a skinny guy but high holy almighty have I gotten fat lately. I’ve never been one to really be bothered by how fat I got but damn this is getting silly. My beer/whisky/and one more beer belly has always maintained about the same size, like about 32 weekish…but now I’m growing San Quentin man boobs. My weight twin, Fayedunaway, is like 6’3”. I’m like 5’7” in Jimmy Choos. I haven’t been this heavy since I quit smoking after college. Ahhhhh smoking, how I miss thee. Let me fondly reminisce…

Marlboro Reds….somehow every Korean kid’s first cigarette

Benson and Hedges Ultralight Menthol 100’s….because it was the 80’s in the suburbs and we were like 14 years old and thought they must be high quality due to the whole two last names in the name thing, ignoring the fact that they were ghetto menthol.

Marlboro Lights…second half of High School because we were like all mature and shit

Hello Camel lights….I love college. Remember Camel Dollars? Remind me to show you my boat sometime. It only cost me 20 years of my life span but damn how else would I have seen the Galapagos?

And then sometime after college, after the party that Camel threw for me, I decided to quit. Cold Turkey. Quitting smoking is one of the most annoying things you can go through. Imagine going on a hunger strike that never ends and you don’t get the sweet relief of dying. It really really really sucks. The first month is a breeze, the novelty gets you by. Look I’m not smoking! Look I’m not smoking! Look I’m not smoking! But after that first month you really start missing it. I stopped painting when I stopped smoking. Can't not smoke and paint. Man smoking is utterly retarded. I think of all the kids I got smoking, and how they’re still smoking today. Oh well they did get to hang out with me in High School right? So that’s totally worth it.

So anyways what was I talking about…oh yeah my fat. So I need to start exercising. My wife shot down my first few ideas:

Chasing women
Cage fighting
Competitive eating
Chasing women
Dock work
Meth
Parkour
Speed walking
Robbery (on foot or roller skates)

Ahhh and then it came to me. I went to college in the early nineties. House turned to raves turned to drum and bass turned to techstep, hardcore, darkcore, garage, speedgarage, jazz step…the viper room used to have this little Tuesday night thing and I remember walking in and thinking ahhh so it’s the rebirth of the B-boy. Lot’s of footwork. I was amazed. I remember moving up to NoCal and going to Spundae for the first time with a bunch of grad school mates and wandering down into the 1015 Folsom basement where they stuck their drum and bass DJs and thinking…I’m happy now. My friends eventually found me and asked why we were all doing aerobics down here.

What I really want to do is dance.

I have to fight the urge to say this awesome sentence all the friggin time. Usually during interviews. It’s my pat answer when anyone asks me where I see myself in ten years. It can really royally screw up a med/law/grad/mba school interview. Try it sometime. You’ll get cool points.

Seriously, before you make fun of my drum and bass as exercise decision, take a moment to think of the numerous retarded forms of exercise.

Stationary __________ (fill in the blank)

Henri (in spinning class): Hey girl, where you going?
Angrygirl: What?
Henri: I said where you going?
Angrygirl: What the hell are you talking about?
Henri: On your bike…where you going?
Angrygirl: Your crazy, stop talking to me.
Henri: I’m going to skinnytown.

I mean the list is endless: imaginary row a boat to nowhere, imaginary ski to nowhere, imaginary recumbent cycling to nowhere, climb the never-ending ladder, jumping a rotating rope to nowhere, running while not being chased on the way to nowhere….all completely ridiculous activities when you stop and think about it. I mean if you’re going to build a silly exercise machine modeling silly activities, why be half-assed about it? I’d build a Macarena machine. Or pump the keg as fast as you can and forever machine. Or why don’t we all just try and do cartwheels for an hour? And don’t you dare get me started on Tae-bo.

I'm gonna dance like it’s 1997.

Sooo I guess I’m going clubbing every other night. I mean the kids will be asleep, I'll only be out for a few hours. I’ll be the silly old guy at the Top….damn the Top is closed?! Ok I’ll be break dancing in my basement every other night. Admission $5. Grab the Manboobs for an extra $50.



Coming soon: ConMan shows his Drum and Bass steps (just looking for the right music)