Kids, No Chaser

Wedding Crashers

Tuesday, June 26, 2007 posted by Henri

Babies :: Weddings

a) Haircuts::Rollerskates
b) Driving::Taxes
c) Reverse Transcriptase::George Foreman Grill
d) Lint Roller::Beirut

Answer: All of the above

We took a trip down to San Diego for a wedding this weekend. We decided to drive…I still have no idea why the hell that seemed like a better option than flying. Some highlights…

Missing our departure time by two hours: Why is it that packing up two kids into a car takes four times longer than what you planned? It’s like some scientific law. If you block off 1 hour to pack up the kids it will take four.

Question: Which kid is better at sitting in a car for 6 hours, the Two year old or the 3 month old?
Answer: Neither, take a plane dumb-ass

Fast Food Restaurants: Conman does not know what McDonald's is yet. But we did hit up In-N-Out and Carl's Jr. He loves these places because they're designed like racetracks. And fellow drivers can’t help but love having a two year old running laps and laughing his head off as he hits each person on the butt as he laps them (glaring=love).

Cows: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! x 400 for up to 20 minutes after the last cow was seen. Followed by: “Daddy More Cows!!!!” Followed by anger at the fact that Daddy wouldn’t use his omnipotence to create a cow out of thin air and plop it beside the road so that his son could scream MOOOOOOOOOOOOO! for another 20 minutes.

Candles = Good Times: So for most of the wedding ceremony I was busy trying to distract the Conman. However, at one point in the ceremony there was a slideshow presentation and I thought this ought to quiet him up. I lifted him up so he could see over the pews and he saw the candles lit up at the front of the church. When Concon sees candles Concon sees partytime. “Happy Birthday to youuuuuuuu!” Nice and loud. Good singing boy…but the timing, we need to work on that.

Distracting Kids During Wedding Ceremonies: Ever wonder what the hell you’ll ever do with that old Apple Newton or Palm Pilot? These things are the ultimate kids toys. You can draw, you can watch videos, you can listen to songs, you can play games. I can’t believe I never thought of the idea until now but having that PDA was awesome. There’s nothing better than turning your outdated too-expensive once uber-gadget into a glorified set of rattling keys.

Every Which Way But Loose: ConMan doing the Full Daipie Walk across the wedding reception hall towards the bathroom. If you haven’t seen the full daipie walk, it is a spitting image of my orangutan stroll. Very very bow-legged with one arm waving in the air and the other arm pointing at crotch.

Yes My Daughter is Gigantic: Yes my daughter is Gigantic. Thank You.

CAKE!!!!!!!: Scream this. Do it again. One more time. Ok once more. Ok now do it twenty more times. Ok now roll on floor while screaming cake. Now stand up and ask nicely for cake. Wait ten seconds while not getting any cake because the reception just started…repeat.

Thanks Mom: How many packages of prepared Korean Seaweed can you fit into a car? Answer: one billion hundred trillion. Thanks Mom, I’m sure we’ll be able to put all the food banks in San Francisco out of business with the leftovers from your charitable donation.

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