The Night of the Doorknob

So I’m in Okinawa preparing for the Obon festival and I stumbled into a bar in which a bunch of military guys are trying to break blocks of ice with their bare hands and I’m laughing my ass off because you totally have to rotate your hips more and this one big dude asks me if I think it is so easy why don’t I give it a try and I’m trying to talk my way out of it because I don’t want to brag about my ice breaking skill when the big dude turns to me and screams…

“Shhhhweeeeeeeethart!!!”
“Shhhhwheeeeethart!!!!”

And I’m like dude why the hell you calling me sweetheart and why do I look so much like Ralph Macchio and why is Tamlyn Tomita hanging out in a bikini and why is this bar full of monkeys wearing little fezzes?

“Shhhhweeeethart!!!!!”
“Shhhhweeeethart!!!!”

Hmmm wait a sec this time I heard that coming from outside the bar.

“Shweeeeeeeeethaaaart!!!!!!!”

Hmmm that actually sounds a little like my kid…..

Shit.

Suddenly I’m awake and it’s two in the morning and I’m not in Okinawa and my kid is somehow out of his room standing at the top of the stairs yelling Sweetheart at the top of his lungs.

Crap. Doorknob milestone.

So I get out of bed and walk over to the stairs and there at the top is my kid smiling like he’s David Blaine and I can tell he’s thinking “OMFG I’ve discovered how to travel between solid walls with the help of the interdimensional doorknob!”

“Dude get back in bed NOW”
“Daddy I do hahahahahaa. I do hahahahaa”
“Yeah that’s nice now go back to bed”

Parenting tip #244: If you ever find yourself trying to balance a huge stack of papers that your kid knocked over and you decide to call out for your wife who is downstairs to come help you, be careful what word you shout…it will become to your child, the official call-to-parents-when-they-are-not-visible alarm. In our family’s case it is the word “Sweetheart” screamed at the top of your lungs.

Parenting tip #245: Keep an extra set of doorknob safety covers in the house. The doorknob milestone can only be crossed in the middle of the night.

So I put the guy back in bed. Tuck him in. Ask him to be good and stay in bed. He agrees of course. I go back to bed. Start to fall asleep.

“Schewwweeeeeethart!!!!!”

Damn.
Repeat 3 times.

Now there are some solutions to this problem.

1) Take doorknob off of door.
2) Take hands off of child.
3) ???

Hmmm so I guess it’s sleepover time. So I grab my pillow and blanket and crawl into the top trundle of Conman’s trundle bed and he’s hanging in the bottom trundle and I make sure he’s tucked in and I close my eyes to go to sleep and one of the following happens every 10 seconds for the next hour.

1) (Poke) “Daddy Eye!”
2) (Poke) “Daddy Forehead!”
3) (Poke) “Daddy Mouth!”
4) (Poke) “Daddy Nose”
5) (Poke) “Daddy Ear!”
6) Shoving sippy cup into my mouth “Daddy Agua!”
7) “Hahahaah Daddy Tooted!”
8) “Concon up there with Daddy?”
9) “Daddy sleeping!”

Which was followed by one of the following responses from me for the next hour.

1) Go to sleep
2) Go to sleep
3) Someone shoot me
4) Go to sleep
5) Go to sleep
6) No agua, whisky
7) Go to sleep
8) Go to sleep
9) Go to sleep

Until finally I realize I’m a total idiot because I forgot parenting tip # 7.

Parenting Tip #7: Cribz is teh good Jailzzors

“Hey Concon, wanna sleep in the crib?”
“YES!!!!!!”

The kid loves the crib because he never gets to hang out there anymore. So in he goes as I make mental note to purchase doorknob guards tomorrow and I drag my sleepy ass back downstairs and drift slowly into the arms of fez wearing karate monkeys. Hi-ya.