Scenes From a Marriage: Kick Ass Love Songs to Forever Lovingly Heal Your Flamebroiled Heart By While Remembering Fondly the Love of Love's Memory
Thursday, September 07, 2006 posted by Henri
Henri: Just put the flamethrower down, you could burn the whole damn house up.
Cindy: You started this I'm gonna finish it.
Ok so sometimes marriages hit a bump in the road. And before kids I would have said I double dog dare you to pull the trigger on that flamethrower. But now with the kid it's different. Marriage is a serious thing, there's just no going back once kids are involved. And that's really scary. There is no out. Flamethrower shmamethrower just because you have an incendiary device pointed towards your head you can't just give up on the whole thing. Even when someone breaks rule number 7 of marriage, you have to keep a calm head and work through things. In case you forgot here are the seven rules to marriage:
1) No fishhooking
2) No chickens on the side
3) Clean belly buttons
4) "I wish I never..." Never finish that damn sentence.
5) Toilet seat down.
6) "You can never ever ever ask me to stop drinking."
7) No F-ing Flamethrowers!!!
oh and unwritten rule #8: Karate is for self-defense only.
So for the sake of children everywhere across the world I have created the following instrument capable of saving any marriage. You need to bookmark the permalink for this post because it will absolutely save your marriage one day. Click the little e-mail icon at the end to send to your friends in need. Help us heal the world.
1) Put down all weapons in the "Safe Weapon Zone"
2) Make sure the kids are asleep.
3) Sit next to each other.
4) Hold Hands.
5) Say you're sorry even if you just had a flamethrower held to your head (you must have deserved it somehow, anyway marriage isn't about who is right or wrong your both wrong just one of you hasn't accepted it yet....so let's just focus on the longterm here and that means ceasefire)
6) Check your spouse's drivers license, make sure they grew up in the 80's. If they have not then your SOL my friend, this may not work.
7) Press Play, keep going until peace is reached.
8) Thank me by naming your next child Henri or Henrietta (pronounced awn-ri-et-ta).
Ok that was just the Amuse Bouche. You cannot just jump from Flamethrower-pointing directly into the healing elixer of 80's love. You need a palate cleanser first. Ok now for some of you that was all that it took. Congratulations, start working on the future Henri/Henrietta now. For the rest of you, therapy begins now...
Turn towards your wife/husband and say, "I would shave off my moustache for you."
All problems wither under the loving gaze of Russell Hitchcock's magic afro.
You cannot resist the Air Supply!
Well that should have done it. Problem solved...hmm not enough? Oh don't make be break out the Bee Gees.
OK this is serious, we need more fro.
Wow you guys really need help.
OK this is it...no more messing around. This is the big gun.
Ok here's dessert. Go make a baby.
If all of this did not work you are just animals. Here's your last chance at happiness:
Addendum: 09/17/06 Damn bastards at YouTube killed that last link. It was a Korean version of Almost Paradise...oh it was priceless. Damnit. We'll we have to substitute it with this then...
Last Last Resort