Kids, No Chaser

Top 10's: Labor and Delivery Advice For First Time Fathers

Wednesday, March 07, 2007 posted by Henri

OK we're getting closer to crunch time. Labor and Delivery part 2. I feel that I have learned a few things since the first time around so here are a few pearls of wisdom...

Ten Things not to eat before assisting wife during labor

13 mustard packets
1 packet Lipton onion soup mix
Cold Stone Creamery: Durian/Garlic/Kimchee Surprise (new flavor)
A dozen Deviled Eggs
Buttermilk Smoothies
1 pound dried cuttlefish jerky

Ten things not to do between parking the car and entering the delivery room

Eat pizza
Waste time thinking about eating pizza
Wondering if there is enough time to quickly eat just a bit of pizza
Asking yourself if pizza is on the do-not-eat list
Looking for gum to mask the evidence of the pizza that you accidentally ate while rushing out of the car
Thinking of ways someone could “accidentally” eat pizza
Turn pizza into baby toy by taking strategic bites out of it
Hide pizza in pants for later
Asking residents if the cafeteria has pizza
Do anything related whatsoever to pizza or pizza-like food products

Ten things not to do while in the delivery room

Hit on Doula
Ask wife to sing Belinda Carlile impersonation while karate-chop-massaging her back
Insisting on your own set of scrubs
Asking the staff to call you McDreamy
Saying "Stat" after every sentence
Hogging up the Yoga Ball
Tell your wife that as a Kaiser member she has to “Thrive” right now
Ask the OB stop looking at your wife’s thingermajig.
Keep telling the story about the time when you stubbed your toe real hard and thought you were going to die because it hurt so much

Ten ways to tell your wife’s doula sucks

She spells it doola
7 inch long acrylic nails
She refers to you in the third person
Ice chips are taken from her Super Big Gulp
She keeps answering her cell phone
She has your wife singing “My Humps”
You can see her Doula For Dummies book
She claims “next” while you’re massaging your wife’s feet.
She only works Monday through Friday
She has a tip jar



Blogger honglien123 said...

Hmm, maybe you should eat as much pizza as you can now so that you can be sick of it.

Also, here's one I would add to the list that my hubby did:

DO NOT under any circumstances drive below the speed limit when there are no cars about and it's in the middle of the night when your wife is in very active labor. If you do and by the time she makes it to the hospital they tell her it's too late to get an epidural or other drugs, you are going to regret it for the rest of your natural life (and then some depending upon your belief system).

3:08 PM

Blogger Leighton @ My Best Investments said...

You know you've got a bad doula if she goes by the name Funky Cold Ma-Doula.

8:36 AM


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