4D Ultrasound: HooHa's And DooDad's Now in Stunning HiDef

It all started a few months ago. OK well technically it started like 8 months ago. But a few months ago me and the Mrs were so excited to find out the sex of our new baby. So the wife goes to Kaiser and I go to work, big surprise. I come home to find my wife looking funny as I scream with excitement WHATISIT!!!!!! She goes…hmmm dunno.

WHAT?!

I ran downstairs turned on my turntable, started scratching, remembered what I was there for and bumped the table causing the needle to skip and then ran back upstairs and said….

(Needle Skipping Noise) WHAT?!!

They couldn't tell. Shucks. Inconclusive ultrasound. Now the first thing I think….despite all logic and common sense, is that we’ve been gipped. Never mind the fact that the ultrasound is part of a health check for the baby and not supposed to be a gender determining procedure. So now the question is how to hack Kaiser into giving us another ultrasound.

Hacking Kaiser

Now I could start a long tutorial on how to hack healthcare plans. And it truly is unfortunate that sometimes all patients do not receive the same quality of care. Sometimes the squeaky wheel gets all the grease. It’s all about triage. How to steer Kaiser into getting you to see the right guy at the right time. Thrive. Great marketing plan. Hmmm which market segment would be the most lucrative for a health care plan…how about people who are more than living…they’re THRIVING! Thrivers like to eat right and exercise. Preventative healthcare is wonderful, but I need a plan that has as it’s motto…SURVIVE. I don’t give a crap about my Doctor’s helping me thrive….that’s what my financial planner and sommelier is for. When I’m sick…I want to survive. Period. What does THRIVE do? I can hear the voiceover now…Here at Kaiser if you are seriously sick, sorry you’re doomed, but until that day comes wouldn’t you like to dance in the rain?

What was I talking about? Oh yes ultrasounds. Trying to work the system into getting another ultrasound in order to determine what color to repaint the nursery? That’s kinda stupid. We simply tried to ask our OB nicely if there was anything she could do. She couldn’t help. C'est la vie.

So…time to figure it out ourselves.

How to build a Home Ultrasound Machine Thingermabob:

Ingredients:
1 100 watt light bulb
100 ft aluminum foil
pinch of sage
1 traffic cone
1 Bengalese Soothsayer
1 box latex gloves

So we got hung up trying to find the Bengalese Soothsayer. The closest we got was a Nepalese lottery player.

There’s also this Chinese Gender predictor. It’s based on the date of conception. How in the holy name of god could anyone actually waste one second of their lives actually pondering if this could even remotely have any validity?

We went instead with the Latin American shape of belly guidelines. Obviously we were having a girl. Boy babies make bellies stick out to the front. Girl babies make bellies go wide. This was obviously based on scientific facts instead of that silly Chinese calendar thing.

Despite the fact that we knew it was a girl based on the Latin American belly shape guidelines, we got this funny flyer in the mail. 4D Ultrasound!!!!1!!1

Now has the 4th dimension been officially defined? I understand that in this case they are referring to time as the 4th dimension, but is that official? Did I not get that memo?

OK so it’s off to get a 4D ultrasound!!!!11!!!1!!!! First of all these things are like cheap as hell. I dunno hundred bucks maybe. You get like a DVD and everything. And you can bring the whole family because they have like an auditorium to watch the ultrasound on a flat screen TV. Fun for all.

Now obviously this business caters to first time parents. The whole point of the place is to get a nice computer generated image of your babies face to frame and put in your paint-still-drying new nursery along with the baby monitors and no knives and all the other silly crap we did as new parents. Once you get through the first one you learn something. New parents are retarded. You ever watch someone shoot heroin the first time? They make this really big deal out of it. Talk about drama.

What I’m trying to say is that it is important to proceed with caution when entering a new phase in life or doing something you have never done before. But in hindsight, sometimes you can get a little crazy with the fears and precautions. No, I take that back. You can’t go overboard with the precautions. That voice in the back of your head is there for a reason. But after having the first kid, the second kid is a lot less daunting. Plus the fact you just get over that whole “Look at our Baby” thing. I mean when the Conman was born my life shifted and I was like standing on a fruit-box making soliloquies about my life as a father…hell I even started a blog for Christ sake. Not to say the things I was saying are not as important to me now as they were then….it’s just that now I have integrated these things into my life. I understand them better.

You ever try telling a teenager that the Prom is kinda silly? You ever try telling a toddler that one day Thomas will not be the coolest thing on the planet. You ever try telling a new parent that they’re just a little too into it? It’s like the first day of High School. You pick out what you’re going to wear. You think a lot about your future. Everything is new and scary. By the second year you’re smoking 2 packs a day and couldn’t give a damn about where you went to school. Not that school’s not important…you’re just kinda used to it. Nononno you know what it’s really like? Have you ever fought in the Vietnam War? Like that first day you’re like…holy shit I might die. By the 213th day you’re like…yes, matter of fact I might die. So What? You’ve integrated the importance and danger of your predicament. That’s parenting.

So there we were, surrounded by first time parents in the waiting room. Parents who absolutely can not wait to see and frame their unborn baby’s face. Us? We’re just here for the crotch. We don’t even want the 4D stuff, just give us the normal ultrasound, we just want the gender confirmation. And make it quick. We got crap to do. We’re already parents. So I notice the waiting area has kid’s toys. Hmmm. Props! They must be Props! This place cannot see a lot of kids because that would mean a parent is coming to get their second or third child’s face scanned. I mean I understand why we are here…we have Kaiser that’s why we’re here. Hey wait a sec…didn’t Kaiser send us this 4D crap in the first place?! Hmmmmmm I smell a conspiracy theory or elegant business model, it’s one or the other.

So the kids toys are pretty beat up. Hmmm that means they’ve actually seen use or they were procured used. One or the other. So on the wall I notice a bunch of scanned baby faces. I remind myself to ask them not to put our baby’s crotch up there. I see the couple before us come out of their session absolutely beaming. It’s oh my god this and oh my god that and like smiles and tears and hand holding and hugging and asking for like 30 copies of the DVD to send to relatives and I’m like….Hey lady, don’t let the British in. And they’re like…Huh? And I’m like…newbies.

So we get into the exam room. Cool. There are leather couches and a flat screen TV and tons of cool imaging gear and this really nice 4DUltrasoundician lady to help us. Conman sees the TV and I can see his eyes go wide. 3…2…1…
CHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHOOCHHOOCHOOCHOOOCHHOOO!
No Constar…no Choo CHoo
CHOOCHOO!!!!!!!!
He doesn’t believe me. He plops down in front of the TV and waits for Thomas to appear. Meanwhile we’re telling our whole story about how we just want to determine gender and Kaiser and blahblah blah. The nurse agrees wholeheartedly that the prenatal visit with ultrasound is NOT to determine gender but rather to check the health of the baby. She tells us horror stories about parents who freak out and demand second ultrasounds and threaten lawsuits and all kinds of silly stuff. I guess it can cost up to $600 to have a nonscheduled ultrasound done with some HMOs out of pocket.

So we get started and boom I think I see something. Err I mean I think I don't see something. The Nurse confirms it’s a girl! We’re ecstatic. I start packing everything up when she hits the imaging button. Clickclickclickclickclick. There’s like cool sounds going on and then BOOM. 4D crotch on the screen. Hew wait a second, we didn’t need to go all 4D we were just kidding. We just wanted to know the gender.

Conman’s trying to figure out what part of the Island of Sodor he’s looking at. My wife is totally happy with the giant crotch on the screen. I’m like…above the waist! Above the Waist!

So eventually they do scan the face and check all the vitals and give us updated due dates and all kinds of good stuff. We’re given like a little portfolio with our DVD and some photos. I’m flipping through the photos and what do I see…3D Crotch again!!! Damnit! I don’t need this! Like what, we were going to frame this? Put it in her wedding slideshow?

So it’s a girl. I’ve always wanted a girl. With my son I feel like a Dad. With a girl I’ll be her Father. Does that make any sense to anyone? I hold and hug my kid and tell him I love him everyday. I can’t wait till he’s older and I can embarrass the hell out of him in front of his friends. I have no problem with being an embarrassing emotional outwardly affectionate loving Dad. But the thought of a daughter takes all those emotions and adds something different. I don’t know whether it’s based on my own gender role issues or whether it’s something deeper. The thought of a daughter brings tears to my eyes. I’m stunned and in awe. I hope all my kids grow up tough as nails, but my girl…even if she never grows up to out-drink me. I won’t be disappointed. She’ll always be my little girl.