Kids, No Chaser

In the Company of Dads: Zip Lines

Wednesday, September 20, 2006 posted by Henri

One night hanging at the compound (don't ask long story) high high high up in the Oakland Hills, I've sent my sherpa home already and I'm hangin with my fellow Dad-homies Puffy and FayeDunaway sitting on lawnchairs and watching the sun go down while drinking, believe it or not, a Macallan 1982:

Ok wait before I begin lets talk about the Macallan 1982 pretty rare, less than 400 cases originally allocated. My boy Puffy has three bottles but still doesn't know what they're worth because I won't tell him so I can slowly drink it all. He also can't read so he'll never read this blog entry. Ok back to In the Company of Mans-es: Zip Lines, as I vaguely remember it...

Puffy: How's the Scotch?
FayeDunaway: Smooth bitch.
Me: Very Nice, let's call this the Henri bottle and only I can drink it.
Puffy: OK that sounds good oh wait I mean retarded. That sounds retarded.
Faydunaway: It's got a rounded character, lighter nose than I thought.
Me: You mean it's low in phenol and high in aldehyde characteristics.
Puffy: I think you're both wrong. I think the correct term would be tasty-good.
FayeDunaway: These are nice chairs. Hey PoPo are you cold?
Me: I'm not wearing your letterman's jacket bitch. Just because you peaked in High School doesn't mean we have to keep reliving it.
FayeDunaway: Don't make me steal your wife.
Puffy: I own all your wives.
Me: My wife likes 'em Korean.
Puffy: I'm honorary Korean.
Me: Drinking Scotch doesn't make you honorary Korean.
FayeDunaway: Yeah, you would have to be drinking Crown or Chivas.
Puffy: I still own all your wives.
Me: What about the kids, you taking the kids too?
Puffy: Well don't you think they should be with their real Dad?
Me [making loud end of game buzzer sound]: Too obvious. You need more subtlety in your smack, more like FayeDunaway here.
FayeDunaway: I know subtlety.
Me: Hey so going back to that office ninja project I was talking about...
Puffy: Always the ninja stuff. Shut the Fuc...
Me: Hey hey hey wait! Everybody shut up.
FayeDunaway: What.
Puffy: What.
Me: You know what the compound needs?
Puffy: A secondary stripper pole.
FayeDunaway: Oh yeah Afghanistan mentioned that like last time he was here. It would be like a second stage where we could have like wierd shit.
Me: A zip line.
Puffy(pondering): A zip line.
FayeDunaway(pondering while nodding): A zip line.
Me: Yes, a Zip Line.
Puffy: Go on.
Me: It goes from there [pointing to the second story front door to the compound] down to your garage [located twenty feet below us because the compound is stupid big].
FayeDunaway: Interesting...
Puffy: We can run the kids down it.
Me: Oh let's get Su to test it first. He can't be killed. (Su's wife dropped him 40 ft from a cliff and he survived. We decided he must be immortal and tried to steak knife him one night to test the theory but along with being possibly immortal he is also very very fast and elusive).
FayeDunaway: Wait wait wait how do we get the rig back up to the door once it's down at the garage?
Me: Slaves...we need slaves.
Puffy: Bottle Rockets or trained squirrels.
FayeDunaway: No no no we need organ grinder monkeys.
Me: You can get one of those?
FayeDunaway: No.
Me: Then shut up.
Puffy: Both of you shut up, you're both idiots. I got it.
FayeDunaway: Ok wassup.
Puffy: You idiots, all we need to do is run the zip line to the top of that pole higher than the starting point.
Me: Gravity doesn't work that way dumbass.
FayeDunaway: Wait let him finish, maybe he's gonna reverse gravity somehow.
Me: I love Scotch, Scotchy scotchy scotch.
Puffy: No see we mount it higher but on a piston so your weight sliding down the line pushes the piston down and then when you get off the piston rises to its starting point and the rigging slides back to the door.
FayeDunaway: Fucking brilliant.

(this discussion continues for a long-ass time...)

FayeDunaway: No, you have to tie the monkey's feet to the pedals see? Thats how he stays on get it?

(and keeps going...)

Puffy: no no you have to run all our kids together at once, that way they have enough weight to activate the piston unless we go back to the anvil helmets idea.

(and going...)

Me: ...and how do you propose we light the rings on fire right before we fly through them?

(and going...)

FayeDunaway: Scotchy scotchy scotch.

(until finally we realize our wives must be sick and tired of waiting for us inside the compound so we go inside)

Moms: What were you guys talking about?
Dads: The usual.

And this is repeated throughout the kingdom of Dads around the world.


Blogger honglien123 said...

Here's an IM conversation I had with a friend of mine regarding this (and if this is what all dads everywhere talk about, I'm keeping the hubs at home lest he be smokin' the same shit):

honglien123: Dude, what's a zip line?
mybud: it's where you have a cable hooked up between two points
mybud: and you zip across it macguyver style
honglien123: LOL
honglien123: seriously?
honglien123: I was reading this and and thought as much, but then I thought...nah...these guys can't be THAT retarded
mybud: hahahaha
mybud: you know what makes that even funnier
mybud: i think my boss HAS a zip line at his house lol

10:44 AM

Blogger Henri said...

Wow, having a real zipline really blows away drunkenly planning a zipline.

And yes we are that retarded :)

11:50 AM

Blogger amy jamison said...

you are seriously funny! LOL

1:42 PM


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