Kids, No Chaser

Cirque du No Pants: The Day My Wife Bought Me Dockers

Wednesday, November 14, 2007 posted by Henri

It was like any other day. I had spent the day working. Had eaten my lunch. Had come home at the usual time. Had played with the kids. Sat down and had a nice dinner. Got the kids to bed. Watched Out of Ireland.

Oh wait....big announcement. I am trying not to drink beer. Oh wait never mind. Upon reading the silliness of that statement I have immediately cancelled my new health and fitness plan. I'm glad that's over.

OK back to story. In all honesty, the horror of the incident has actually blanked out the 24 hours immediately preceding and the incident. Here's what I really remember.

I'm holding a pair of pants. My wife is asking me to try them on. I'm looking at them and some odd sixth sense is telling me that there is something seriously amiss...and I'm about to put one strangely short leg into the pants when all of a sudden I realize to my shock and horror while falling slowly to the ground and simultaneously slow-motion throwing/entangling myself in these pants as if they were a live grenade or a mojito or something equally nasty, that, dear lord in heaven these are Dockers.

My wife bought me Dockers.

I screamed like a little woman. You bought me Dockers? She is staring at me with a blank face.

"Yes, they're nice pants"

I adamantly avoid all attempts to be cool because I am too damn cool to be uncool to be cool. I've purposefully grown a giant pot belly and man-boobs, I wear ridiculous clothes. I have funny hair. I drive an old car. I hate people who love/hate brands. But dear god almighty all of that bullshit goes out the window when it comes to Dockers. I am too cool to wear Dockers damn it and I don't care who knows it.

My wife was very confused.

"What's wrong with Dockers? These are very nice pants."

And she's right. There's the dilemma. From my bit of marketing background I have become pretty desensitized to branding. So this aversion to Dockers must lie pretty deep in my psyche. It's like urban kryptonite. Dockers are the most sensible pants in the entire world. They are comfortable. Unoffensive. They have neat features like a cell-phone pocket. But they are Dockers. Now if they were called Clockers or Longshoremans, you wouldn't be able to peal them off of me. That would make them rad. And don't get me wrong, I have no aversion to cheap crap. I wear Dickies nonstop. I wear awesomely crappy labels like No Boundaries and Eagle Outfitters.

What's wrong with sensibility?

Don't we all crave a bit of passion? I want the life of the circus. Laughter, danger, aching loss and misery. This is the ticket we're given and I want to punch it. I want to weep in both sadness and joy, I want to roar in both laughter and anger, I want to fight for the things I love. I want to jump up on tables sometimes, I want to duck under them sometimes too. Now crazy...I got tons of crazy. Being a parent, you get paid in crazy. But it's a structured crazy. It's crazy with a schedule and a minivan. And of course, yes, I've given up on independence. I've got a brood now, I have a pack mentality.

But each and every time that I think I have fully made this transition into the middle years of my life's journey, I get blindsided. This time by a pair of pants. I know that I have no excuse to spurn Dockers. But nonetheless, I choose to jump up on this table and wave my fist in the air and do a pantless jig and howl the fact that I will wear not your pants of sensibility. I will hold onto an insensible truth that I am an insensible man.

Not wearing the pants my wife bought for me: it's as wild as dadhood gets.


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Anonymous Anonymous said...

Don't wear those pants!

Fight! Fight, godammit! We want you to fight!

P.S. Maybe you could wear them while you're driving your minivan?

1:56 AM

Blogger jjdaddyo said...

Gotta draw the line somewhere. Tell her she can give you Dockers if they come wrapped around a Harley.

9:20 AM

Blogger Yaniv said...

Maybe your wife is trying to tell you something: that she wants you to take her out for a classy, romatic night on the town like the couple in that photo. Is there a clock tower near your house?

10:29 AM

Blogger Henri said...

Holy Crap those photos are actually taken near me. It's the SF Ferry Building

11:23 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

Did they have an elasticated waist?

12:03 PM

Blogger Cindy said...

Yah, elasticized waist and self-belt included.

I'm SO SORRY about the Dockers. I will NEVER EVER buy them again. I vow to remember the tenets of pants buying:

1) Only Perry Ellis Portfolio
2) Only from Costco
3) If at Costco do not get blindsided by other cool-sounding brands like Reaction or Liz Claiborne; they are no match for the Perry Ellis Portfolio

4:53 PM

Blogger Henri said...

Elasticated is a kick ass word.

Perry Ellis Portfolio Costco Pants are ghetto fabulous.

5:14 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

LMAO re: the ghetto fabulous perry ellis pant specials a la costco. (my dad *LOVES* these pants!)

fight the dockers! fight the minivan! o . . . um . . . uh . . . never mind that last one. *cough*

2:34 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

The problem is it's a slippery slope from Dockers to Sansabelts to Depends. Once you head down that slope no one is sure where you are on that curve. Even if it's a losing battle, keep fighting.

9:02 PM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

How do they make your butt look?

I'm your self-appointed Tim Gunn. Proudly keep on with the pants that meet your goals. If low price, sweat-pant comfort, anti-branding, and no effort have primacy, cool, but you don’t end up with beauty. You end up with laundry-weary, triple-pleated khakis with a cell phone utility belt. Or Dockers. Or Kirkland Perry Ellis Portfolio.

If you intend to look sexy or feel elegant, the cheapo stuff usually doesn’t deliver. When you’re ready to select pants with the rigor that you select artwork/restaurants/alcohol, come see me. Carry on!

9:55 PM

Blogger Henri said...

Don't pretend you don't know how they make my butt look.

I heard about those shoes you picked up in London bro. I can't roll with you, you are in an entirely different league in both butts and shoes.

9:03 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said... we know who's been checking out butts!

9:44 AM

Blogger Henri said...

"Henri has looked at your butt"


9:53 AM

Anonymous Anonymous said...

You know how I know you're gay? You wear Dockers and check out your friends' butts.

11:33 PM


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