And For My Next Stunt...

David Blaine's got nothing on us. I mean c'mon...buried underground for a week, trapped in an ice cube for a few days, standing on a pole for awhile. Pshaw. Try parenting nonstop for four years. You just got pwned Blaine.

Yeah it finally happened. Me and the wife got our first real break from parenting in 4 years. We got away for a weekend without the kids.

You know that look on Blaine's face when they let him out of whatever box he's been in? That was us at the airport. That beat down look. Looking around and wondering how we got past security so quickly. Sitting on those swank Herman Miller airport seats with no kids to wrangle. No car seat turban on my head. No fights to pick with non-parental travelers. But just like Blaine coming out of some coffee can...you can't expect yourself to able to right yourself right away. You can't just wash 4 years of parenting off in the lavatory and come out skipping and ready to tear Las Vegas a new party hole. Hell you can't even stand fully upright for at least 48 hours.

So there we were, smiling at the ground, hunched over and waiting for our spines to erect. Holding hands in wonderment. Sitting at the airport with nothing to do but wait for our plane to pull in. Nothing. To. Do.

The silence was deafening. Peppered only by the phrase “Can you believe we're on our own???” repeated 763 times at the airport alone.

I bought a magazine.

The flight over was amazing. We had nothing to do other than flip pages and sip refreshing complementary tiny cheap drinks. I swear a ginger ale on a plane without having to wrestle your kids tastes like Shipwrecked 1907 Heidsieck.

We arrived and, hunched over, caught a cab when we stepped out into a warm Vegas night. We checked into our hotel pretty late. Sat in our room frozen. We were weighed down by so many possibilities we were immobilized.

Eventually I headed out to get some Canter's. I returned with two Reuben's. We ate them and promptly fell asleep. We were full and happy.

We slept as long as we wanted. Women, money, fame, booze? Naw....sleep. I'll take the sleep please. Two orders of all you can sleep sleepy sleeps. I was like Tony Montana with a giant desk topped with mountains and mountains of sleep. I was so full of sleep I could do anything. I was ready to take over this place. We checked out of our crash pad and lumbered across the street to the Palazzo. Things started to get interesting.

“Good morning Senior Corndog you will be staying at the Lago suite”

Cool
Wait a second that sounds weird.

“Yes sir we have upgraded you, unfortunately your room is not ready, please check back in 2 hours”

Sure.

Brunch me. I've always considered Bouchon to be Thomas Keller's version of Applebee's. Just a straightforward solid bistro that is not supposed to be anything more than that. Just like Applebee's is a straightforward solid suburban reminder that you have no better place to eat right now.

We love it at Bouchon. We had a few beignets and espressos. I followed this up with some roasted chicken and savory waffles. I noticed that my view of the patio and warm sunny day continued to improve throughout brunch. To our astonishment we were soon sitting fully upright. Our spines had begun the recovery process. We were finally decompressing.

We hit the craps tables.

“Baby needs a new pair of Robeez!”

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner. We got lucky, had a lot of fun, and soon had dinner money in hand. Well actually like a few months worth of dinners. We went back to check in.

“Sorry Senior Corndog your room is still not ready”

Hmmm...getting pissed here.

“Oh wait, it looks like it is just about done”

Getting better.

“We've upgraded your suite”

Got a lot better. Wait a sec...I thought I was already upgraded.

“So you mean the upgrade to the Lago suite?” I asked

“No sir, we've upgraded you again. Would you like to see the floor plan of your new suite?”

“Sure”

So the dude pulls out this big binder and flips a few pages.

“Here, sir, was your original suite...”

Nice. I'll take it. Wait...he flips a few pages.

“And here is the Lago Suite...”

Great, even better. Then the dude starts flipping more pages.

And more pages.

And more pages.

“And here, Sir, is the floor plan of your new suite.”

We were towards the end of the binder.

The floor plan had two pages.

I had a good feeling about this.

So we got our keys and made our way up to our floor. Walking down the hallway there was something bothering me that I couldn't quite put my finger on. Until I got the door. Then I realized.....these doors are all huge on this floor. And there are two of them.

Yup two big fat double doors to our suite. Keys goes in. Doors open. And then....

Holy crap.




Wow...thanks Venetian/Palazzo. Thanks for mistaking me for someone important.

Our suite was 1300 square feet. And $4900 a night. This is what I call an upgrade. It's also a great way to ruin every future trip to Vegas...because we're never going to get a place like this again. C'est la vie.

Now of course we didn't want to leave the suite. With an extra bedroom, I called up a few people to see if anyone wanted to fly out to Vegas RIGHT NOW. No Takers. Next time I'll post it on the blog.

So of course I had to turn on every TV in the place. I got to the bathroom and looked at the two TVs on either side of the sink vanity. Hmmm...why on earth were there two TVs here? I finally figure out that they were needed for viewers bathing on either side of the bathtub. Of course. Of course. If I put my head on this end I need that TV and if I rest my head on the other end I need another TV. That's like having a double ended fork. Redundant yet full of win.

So we tried to hang out in the suite all day and night. But eventually we got hungry....oh yeah we should eat huh?

Went to eat at N9ne at the Palms. Truffled Gnocci and a giant ribeye built for two. We rolled ourselves out of there cruised about a bit and eventually made our way back to our suite at the end of the night.

It was fun. And man were we due. We love this place and it had been waaaay too long since we had been here last. My wife loves the dice...and the dice have always loved her back.

The next morning I missed my kids really bad. Oddly the novelty was over. We had our fill and although it had been less than 48 hours away from the kids...it was starting to get a bit too long. Believe me it was really great and unbelievably awesome to jump from parenting to Vegas in a matter of hours. And normally here's where I would espouse some ranty fabled fatherhood stuff. But it was just a simple thing. I missed my kids. Everything about them. They're cool. And I was in withdrawal. The wife too. We saw it in each other eyes in the morning. We couldn't fly home fast enough and lift our kids high, cover them in kisses, and throw them on our backs again.

After breakfast of course.

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Stuff I Did: Building a Play Kitchen Stove

I owed my boy a toy kitchen. I'm talking over a year now. My wife claimed he loved playing with toy kitchens. Just like she claimed he would LOVE a toy stroller. I'd be the first to admit that I really didn't want to get my kid that stroller. My wife thought I was being a Neanderthal about it. I told her it was like seeing him wearing a USC jersey....I know it doesn't mean he's going to go to USC, but for some reason the sight of it would make me feel woozy. She said meh and bought him the stroller right away. He played with it a bit then said meh. Then I said meh to any future bright ideas she had about the toys he'd love. Including the kitchen.

Well a few years too late I finally decided to get around to that kitchen stove that I had promised to build. Oh yeah, so the original plan was to buy a toy stove...but for some reason I just didn't want a giant plastic stove/kitchen. I was thinking it would be cool to have like a little Viking/Wolf stove. Must be the undeniable and incredible value of marketing in our society.

So I drew up some plans. Bought some plywood. And poof...Dadmagik.



For any Dads (or Moms) out there that like making stuff and don't already use pocket hole jigs, all I have to say is....Duuuuuuuuude(ette).



So it turns out the scale of the oven ended up a tad bigger than I thought.



I used cabinet hinges to allow the zero-clearance stovetop to open up for storage.



And they're off!



Enjoy kids...sorry it took me so long to get around to building it. Heck I waited so long to build this for my son that he now has a sister he's forced to share it with.

It also makes an awesome toybox.

Let me know if anyone wants to build their own stove. If enough people are interested I'll try and post detailed plans in a future post.

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We're Gonna Need More Bullets

Yeah time huh. It um...flies? As you can tell by my last post I've been in a bit of denial about the whole winter thing. In fact, what better way to ignore winter than to...ignore winter. So let me stretch here a little bit and put on my blogging slippers. Shake my head a bit to get the gears/marble rolling and begin explaining my absence.

My garage was a mess.

It's almost clean now. Wow what a chore. Don't believe me? Here's proof.



You know in all seriousness, I was talking to Peachboy the other day about not blogging and other than the fact that it is no longer the year 2006, the other second most valid explanation for my absence can be summed up in one word:

Defragmenting.

I'm defragmenting bro. I've got so many little odds and ends in my brain it's ridiculous. I'm like a mental packrat. I've had to make room for all of these little tidbits of info and along the way a few useless items have been misplaced. Like face recognition for anyone I went to high school with. Not a joke. They're all wiped out. My multiplication table. Completely misplaced. I have to do ridiculous mathematical gymnastics to derive 3x8. I know 3 * 10 – 6 = answer. Hmm I guess that's not really hard enough to be called mathematical gymnastics. Mathematical rythmic gymnastics maybe. And not the ribbon, maybe like that Ball thing.

I knew somewhere deep inside somehow that 2008 was going to be a bad year. And boy howdy it sure was. From the rise and fall of my gaming clan, to the financial meltdown, to the realization that my garage needs a thorough cleaning. Things have come to a head. I finished my MBA, my kid started preschool, I entered my 4th year of parenting, I finally came to the realization that I am STILL not back in Los Angeles (for the love of god why the hell am I still not in Los Angeles?????!?!?!!!). I had reached that point where my brain shuts down and my Life needed defragmenting. I figure my brain holds about maybe a meg of data. That little meg took a damn long time to defragment.

It really was caused by an upheaval of my schedule. Up until this year I had a great routine. Fix eyeballs. Go to night school. Parent. Blog. Oh and eat drink and all that other stuff.

But when grad school ended...I was set loose a bit. Just a little too much free time injected into my schedule.....and the wheels came off the bus. Plus there is that whole Los Angeles thing. I have finally accepted the fact that I am currently, at this present time, not in the city of Los Angeles. I know, I know, it's been 11 years since I've lived in LA but for those past 11 years I have refused to accept the fact that I am. Not. In. LA. Right. Now.

You see my BEING resides in that city. I am not a complete person outside of it. Scoff if you will. You can roll your eyes as much as you want. I've had strangers tell me that LA would be more than happy to have me back (I see what you did there by that smarmy remark by the way). It is nonetheless true. I don't care how much eye-rolling you do at me because as self-centered as you think Los Angeles is, as its proudest citizen, let me set the record straight by saying I don't give a damn what you think.

I kid. I kid. That was funny. Did you see what I did there? err nevermind.

Seriously, I have accepted the fact that I am not currently in the City of Los Angeles. It has entered my reality. I am no longer in denial. I am not happy about it. And one day I will be back home again. But for now...after years of therapy (or the cheap stuff they pass off as therapy outside of LA) I understand my current geography. I no longer stare in disbelief at my Nav. I no longer try to get to Pico from Mission. I no longer scream at every burrito vendor in this town for putting beans and rice in my burrito (seriously cut it out). I no longer tail octogenarian drivers to simulate traffic on the 10. I no longer hope and wish. I simply accept. And quietly wait. This world, if there is anything good in it, will steer me home one day.

/rant

I'm getting hella ranty in the Yay Area. Get me to a sideshow. Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee

/hyphy

OK ok ok . I am really happy that it is a new year. The wife and the kids and I, all have big plans. I plan to try to blog. It's like a journal but stupideer. My wife will try to ease up on being the reigning queen of Facebook. My boy has learned to tell a joke at the ripe age of 3.5 oh and he does a magic trick now too. Hilarious. The baby girl will try to stop taking out her biggest rival in world domination...her big brother. There will be a new president who used Yoda as his slogan writer.

“Change We Need”

WTF? Yoda???? I thought Bob the Builder's “Yes We Can” was good enough. Dude's connected, that's all I can say.

I mean what were the Yoda rejects?

“Win I Will”
“Vote for him You will not”
“Lose I Shalln't”
“Vote or Vote not, there is no try to vote for that other dude”
“Cool, Am I, Know I Do”

Sorry...got off track there.

My defragmenting has taken a bit longer than I thought. But I am running 37% faster now. Things are looking tidy around here, and I've got all the important bits in little cubbies. I am basically feeling really lean and mean. Finally. I have the feeling that this will be a really great year. So Happy New Year (yeah I know we're two weeks into it already get off my back).

I'm gonna post all the crap I did while on blogcation.



When I get to it.


Yeeeee-eeeeeeeeeeeeeee
















Maybe.

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